My head is spinning with hourly changes in Tim's condition. I just got back from the hospital, where the infectious disease doctor updated us on test results. The cultures showed staph infection not only in his knee, but in his blood, too. He has sepsis. This is an extremely serious situation. Had we not caught it when we did, his life would have been in danger. He is not out of the woods, yet. There is a concern that the infection could have affected his heart valves. He already has congestive heart failure, so this is very frightening. We are both anxious. Once again, I take my fears to the Lord. I have asked Him for complete healing, recognizing that only He can do that. I know we do not have the strength to go through this without Him. My prayer is that our focus can be on the Lord, and we can recognize encounters with him when they occur.
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Prayer and Healing
My posts seem to be getting further apart, not that I have less to say, it's just that I'm still trying to recover from a period of physical weakness.
My thoughts lately have been about how my prayers have changed over the last year or so. I have previously written how I was learning through journaling that God absolutely heard my prayers and answered them. The Holy Spirit is taking me to a new level. I have started to pray more for a deeper understanding and intimacy with God through occurances in my life, rather than praying for a specific result. For instance, two of my adult children needed jobs. Each time they had interviews I prayed that they would get the job, but they didn't. This went on for a couple of years. During that time, I was growing and changing. I started to wonder if what I was indeed doing was trying to convince God to perform in accordance with my own agenda, what I thought was best for my children. But they needed to grow and change, too. The delay in getting jobs was part of the Lord's plan, which is infinitely better than mine. My prayers changed. I became completely honest in expressing my concern for their welfare and happiness, along with recognizing the fact that God's plan is perfect. The focus of my prayers became their individual walks with the Lord, as well as growth of my own trust and faith in this situation. I had to let go and understand that God had the situation under control, even as I continued to be honest about my desire for them to gain employment. I had a sense that this is what the Lord wanted all along, for me to take my troubles to him, be honest about them, recognize his sovereignty. I think about when my children were tiny, and when something would frighten them, or make them unsure. They would run to me, lift up their arms and ask me to pick them up and hold them. The rush of love and tenderness that I felt for them in that moment, and the happiness that they trusted me that much, goes beyond what can be expressed in words. I imagine God feeling the same way when I take my concerns to him. It was some time after I let go of my desire to control my childrens' future that they both did get jobs. God's plan was always in place.
This brings me to some other thoughts. I am thinking about how often we pray for people who are sick or need surgery. For some time, now, I have been pondering this issue. We often pray for healing, and for "wisdom for the doctors". While I am absolutely sure that God has control over these things, the truth remains that sometimes healing and wisdom do not occur. Several years ago, I had major abdominal surgery. I went into the experience confidently, even smugly, knowing I had prayed for the usual guidance for the surgeon's hands and trouble free recovery. I expected to sail in and out of there. Just the opposite happened. The surgeon made a huge error, closing off the ureter to my right kidney. That meant that the kidney had no way to empty. Picture a water balloon ready to burst. The pain involved went off the scale. I've been through labor and delivery twice and it was not as painful as this. The nurses did not believe me and dismissed my cries for help. There was a whole seies of bungles by the nurses, but I won't get into that. Finally, when my roomate yelled out for someone to come help me, a day later, they sent for a doctor who recognized that I was having kidney pain. I wound up in the hospital for 10 days which included three more surgeries to repair the damage. At no time did the pain abate. The recovery was slow and difficult. I couldn't understand what had gone wrong with my initial prayer. I thought that I didn't word it correctly, or my faith wasn't strong enough. I felt that I wasn't a good enough Christian. Why was I not able to convince God to adhere to my plan? I may never know why the Lord saw fit to allow me to experience that degree of suffering. I suspect that the reasons are far too intricate for my human brain to fathom. What I do know, though, is that had I been more familiar with His voice and presence, I would not have felt so alone and desperate.
Now, when I pray for health for myself or others, I take a look at the core issues really at play. When we are sick or facing surgery, we feel vulnerable. We feel fear of the unknown, of pain, suffering, or death. We may feel unprotected and alone. We feel loss of control. I think that is why we have so many prayer request about health issues. What better time to come to our Lord, than when we come to the realization that he is the only one who can control the outcome? Illness is the perfect time to lean on God entirely, not just expecting a swift removal from the illness, but an encounter with Him instead. Sudden illness has a way of quickly clearing out all of the mundane things from our minds and hearts, to make way for what is truly important, our complete dependence on God. Our spiritual eyes tend to stay riveted on Him. The Lord absolutely can and does perform miraculous healing. These occasions are glorious displays of God's power and love. However, I believe there are no fewer miracles occuring when He allows the illness to run its course. These miracles are dailly occurances as he guides us through the experience, providing opportunity after opportunity to know his love and compassion as he walks with us through our fear and uncertainty. We feel very vulnerable with things like hosital stays, devastating diagnoses, surgeries, etc. How reassuring it is to know that God is truly by our side. If we had previously sought out and gained an intimate relationship with him, this becomes more natural to us.The miracle that is occuring is in his unending faithfulness, compassion, and devotion to us. We experience his power to sustain. It also requires just as much faith on our part to believe in his power and presence through an illness as it does to believe he can heal it.
I have been writing this post over a period of a few days. Something very interesting has happened since writing the previous paragraph. My husband suddenly began running a fever and his knee with the brand new joint replacement began to swell. We went to the emergency room and yesterday he had another surgery on his knee. He only had his replacement 8 weeks ago. Apparently there had been an infection brewing in there. He is in the hospital again and it feels like a nightmare. The first surgery was extremely difficult on him, and I, myself, am still recovering from the challenge of it all. It seems unreal that we are back again to being in the hospital. A couple really does become one with marriage. I acutely feel his pain and anxiety. His recovery had been going so well. He was even playing golf again. So my thoughts go back to what I was saying about my own "surgery gone wrong" and how it would be different if it should happen again. The difference would be that I am more familiar with God's voice, and more sensitive to his presence. I am considering this as we go through this trial. My prayers are different than several years ago. I am also experiencing a fair share of attacks from Evil as he has me imagining the worst, such as a bone infection (which is extremely dangerous), or sepsis. Being a retired RN only makes it worse because I know how bad it can get. I took these fears to our Lord. I was honest with my desire for a quick fix. I also was thankful that we are not alone and I look forward to seeing Him throughout this experience, especially if the fix isn't quick. And of course, this journey is really Tim's, and my prayer is that he will reach a new level of intimacy with God as a result. As it turns out, the infection is not in the bone. Tim will receive antibiotics through a PIC line after discharge, which should be in a couple of days. I am so thankful that it wasn't worse. However, if it was, I know that it would would have been an opportunity for an encounter with the Lord, and I'd be thankful for that as well.
My thoughts lately have been about how my prayers have changed over the last year or so. I have previously written how I was learning through journaling that God absolutely heard my prayers and answered them. The Holy Spirit is taking me to a new level. I have started to pray more for a deeper understanding and intimacy with God through occurances in my life, rather than praying for a specific result. For instance, two of my adult children needed jobs. Each time they had interviews I prayed that they would get the job, but they didn't. This went on for a couple of years. During that time, I was growing and changing. I started to wonder if what I was indeed doing was trying to convince God to perform in accordance with my own agenda, what I thought was best for my children. But they needed to grow and change, too. The delay in getting jobs was part of the Lord's plan, which is infinitely better than mine. My prayers changed. I became completely honest in expressing my concern for their welfare and happiness, along with recognizing the fact that God's plan is perfect. The focus of my prayers became their individual walks with the Lord, as well as growth of my own trust and faith in this situation. I had to let go and understand that God had the situation under control, even as I continued to be honest about my desire for them to gain employment. I had a sense that this is what the Lord wanted all along, for me to take my troubles to him, be honest about them, recognize his sovereignty. I think about when my children were tiny, and when something would frighten them, or make them unsure. They would run to me, lift up their arms and ask me to pick them up and hold them. The rush of love and tenderness that I felt for them in that moment, and the happiness that they trusted me that much, goes beyond what can be expressed in words. I imagine God feeling the same way when I take my concerns to him. It was some time after I let go of my desire to control my childrens' future that they both did get jobs. God's plan was always in place.
This brings me to some other thoughts. I am thinking about how often we pray for people who are sick or need surgery. For some time, now, I have been pondering this issue. We often pray for healing, and for "wisdom for the doctors". While I am absolutely sure that God has control over these things, the truth remains that sometimes healing and wisdom do not occur. Several years ago, I had major abdominal surgery. I went into the experience confidently, even smugly, knowing I had prayed for the usual guidance for the surgeon's hands and trouble free recovery. I expected to sail in and out of there. Just the opposite happened. The surgeon made a huge error, closing off the ureter to my right kidney. That meant that the kidney had no way to empty. Picture a water balloon ready to burst. The pain involved went off the scale. I've been through labor and delivery twice and it was not as painful as this. The nurses did not believe me and dismissed my cries for help. There was a whole seies of bungles by the nurses, but I won't get into that. Finally, when my roomate yelled out for someone to come help me, a day later, they sent for a doctor who recognized that I was having kidney pain. I wound up in the hospital for 10 days which included three more surgeries to repair the damage. At no time did the pain abate. The recovery was slow and difficult. I couldn't understand what had gone wrong with my initial prayer. I thought that I didn't word it correctly, or my faith wasn't strong enough. I felt that I wasn't a good enough Christian. Why was I not able to convince God to adhere to my plan? I may never know why the Lord saw fit to allow me to experience that degree of suffering. I suspect that the reasons are far too intricate for my human brain to fathom. What I do know, though, is that had I been more familiar with His voice and presence, I would not have felt so alone and desperate.
Now, when I pray for health for myself or others, I take a look at the core issues really at play. When we are sick or facing surgery, we feel vulnerable. We feel fear of the unknown, of pain, suffering, or death. We may feel unprotected and alone. We feel loss of control. I think that is why we have so many prayer request about health issues. What better time to come to our Lord, than when we come to the realization that he is the only one who can control the outcome? Illness is the perfect time to lean on God entirely, not just expecting a swift removal from the illness, but an encounter with Him instead. Sudden illness has a way of quickly clearing out all of the mundane things from our minds and hearts, to make way for what is truly important, our complete dependence on God. Our spiritual eyes tend to stay riveted on Him. The Lord absolutely can and does perform miraculous healing. These occasions are glorious displays of God's power and love. However, I believe there are no fewer miracles occuring when He allows the illness to run its course. These miracles are dailly occurances as he guides us through the experience, providing opportunity after opportunity to know his love and compassion as he walks with us through our fear and uncertainty. We feel very vulnerable with things like hosital stays, devastating diagnoses, surgeries, etc. How reassuring it is to know that God is truly by our side. If we had previously sought out and gained an intimate relationship with him, this becomes more natural to us.The miracle that is occuring is in his unending faithfulness, compassion, and devotion to us. We experience his power to sustain. It also requires just as much faith on our part to believe in his power and presence through an illness as it does to believe he can heal it.
I have been writing this post over a period of a few days. Something very interesting has happened since writing the previous paragraph. My husband suddenly began running a fever and his knee with the brand new joint replacement began to swell. We went to the emergency room and yesterday he had another surgery on his knee. He only had his replacement 8 weeks ago. Apparently there had been an infection brewing in there. He is in the hospital again and it feels like a nightmare. The first surgery was extremely difficult on him, and I, myself, am still recovering from the challenge of it all. It seems unreal that we are back again to being in the hospital. A couple really does become one with marriage. I acutely feel his pain and anxiety. His recovery had been going so well. He was even playing golf again. So my thoughts go back to what I was saying about my own "surgery gone wrong" and how it would be different if it should happen again. The difference would be that I am more familiar with God's voice, and more sensitive to his presence. I am considering this as we go through this trial. My prayers are different than several years ago. I am also experiencing a fair share of attacks from Evil as he has me imagining the worst, such as a bone infection (which is extremely dangerous), or sepsis. Being a retired RN only makes it worse because I know how bad it can get. I took these fears to our Lord. I was honest with my desire for a quick fix. I also was thankful that we are not alone and I look forward to seeing Him throughout this experience, especially if the fix isn't quick. And of course, this journey is really Tim's, and my prayer is that he will reach a new level of intimacy with God as a result. As it turns out, the infection is not in the bone. Tim will receive antibiotics through a PIC line after discharge, which should be in a couple of days. I am so thankful that it wasn't worse. However, if it was, I know that it would would have been an opportunity for an encounter with the Lord, and I'd be thankful for that as well.
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