Who is The Holy Spirit, Anyhow?

Since my last post I have been experiencing many thoughts and feelings.  I have been trying to make sense of them all, and to pay attention to what they are telling me. I became aware of how deeply I still grieve for the healthy body and lifestyle of my past. I believed I had adjusted well and accepted my situation, but the longing for pain free, active living was apparently still alive in me.  I became despondant.  My focus more often centered around what I can't do, and how much pain I feel on a daily basis.  I also began to feel lonely.

What I find interesting is that prior to my last post, I had prayed to reach a yet deeper level of intimacy with the Lord.  I craved more of Him.  I knew that with such a prayer, I could expect some sort of upheaval in my life.  Also, this is when I could expect to hear from the Holy Spirit, and I needed to keep my spiritual eyes, ears, and heart open for His presence and instruction. 

Who is the Holy Spirit?  Several years ago I asked myself that question.  I had no trouble praying to the Father and the Son,  but who exactly was this Spirit?  Growing up, I was taught to pray, saying, "In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit".  But the best I could figure out, He was a white bird that floats above one's head. Then later on, as an adult, I attended evangelical churches.  There, as I heard people describe the Spirit, it appeared that He may have been an Essence that "sweeps through" a room.  In my head I was picturing something like fairy dust sprinkling over us in church.  There was one woman that left our church because she claimed the Holy Spirit wasn't there since no one except her ever fainted on the floor "in the Spirit".  Other people speak in tongues.  There were discussions as to whether a person is saved at the moment of accepting Jesus, or later at a "baptism of the Spirit".  The list of descriptions goes on and on.  So I decided to see for myself, and went to the most reliable source, Scripture. There, I learned that  The Spirit is a Person.  He is the third Person of the Trinity.  Among many other things, He is my Counselor, my Teacher, and my Guide to Truth.  He is Truth.  He is very real and desires a real relationship with us. 

So, it is with this knowlege that I go to Him when I need guidance, or clarification if I am confused about something in my life.  I go to Him when my thoughts are so jumbled up in my head that I don't even know how to articulate them into a prayer. He articulates for me. I go to Him when I am hurting and want to see the Father's hand in my situation.  Such was the case with my experience of the "missed opportunity for women's ministry" written about in my last post.  The intense feelings of grief, sadness and rejection seemed disproportionate to the actual event.  And they stayed around for many days.  I know enough to see that these feelings came as a result of the presence of evil in this world. He pounced on me, eager to destroy any possibility for growth in my Christian walk.  I had a choice.  I could go with these feelings, isolate myself some more in order to protect myself from being disappointed by people, and be mad at God.  I could focus on my impaired physical condition and stay depressed and resentful about it. Or I could be still and wait for the Holy Spirit to speak.  I won't lie.  It was a battle in my mind for a couple of weeks.  It was not a pleasant time.  However, throughout this time, I did ask in my prayer journal more than once for the Holy Spirit to guide me, teach me, and give me clarity about this experience. I had complete confidence that He would answer this prayer.  I just had to be patient and listen.

Gradually, my thoughts started to clear, and I was reminded of something I had read in the book Waking the Dead by John Eldredge.  He was speaking about the effect of painful experiences from our early life that cause us to feel pain as adults.  He says, "The lessons that have been laid down in pain can only abe accessed in pain.  Christ must open the wound, not just bandage it over.  Some times He will  take us there by having an event repeat itself years later, only with new characters in the current situation...these are all invitations to go with Him into the deep waters of the heart, uncover the lies that are buried down there, and bring in the truth that will set us free.  Don't just bury it quickly; ask God what He is wanting to speak to."  God was speaking to me.  He was addressing feelings that I had carried around for a lifetime, and offering me an opportunity to see them for the lies that they are, and offering me healing from them.  Because I am older now, more mature in my faith, and more familiar with God's voice, I have better tools for handling negative feelings.  It is an ongoing process, and probably will be for a long time.  I have accepted the invitation from the Holy Spirit to to join Him in healing and moving forward in the journey of knowing God better.  I feel the freedom that comes from trusting that the Lord is good.

The Pain of Isolation

Perhaps the most painful aspect of chronic illness is the isolation that it causes.  I recently had an experience that brought that fact so close to home that the wounds I feel as a result are very, very deep.  The odd nature of my disability is isolating. By this I mean that there is not only the pain factor, but also profound exhaution which prevents me from experiencing fellowship.  I have very few opportunities to socialize with other women.  Shopping trips, luncheons, gatherings, retreats, are all beyond what my body can do, especially if they are at night. What makes it worse is that I don't look sick, so I fear that other people may interpret my absence as lack of interest or desire for relationships.  The opposite is true.  I especially miss the special beauty that fellowship among
women provides. Not only do I miss it, I crave it.

There was an opportunity to participate in a ministry that I felt passionate about. I was familiar with the unique content. I had been journeying a very long time with the related issues. But I was journeying alone. I wanted so much to travel this leg of the journey with friends.  I was sure the Lord provided this ministry just for me, since it encompassed precisely the type of growth and healing I have been experiencing over recent years.  When I learned of it, I was so excited. There was only one problem.  It was at night. But I wanted to take part, so I took a step out in faith and decided to sign up anyway. I would trust that the Lord would work it out.  But what happened next disappointed me.  Not only did I not feel well enough to go, but I experienced one of the worst flareups of symptoms I have had, and it lasted long enough that I missed the beginning of this ministry.  When I finally could see myself clear (it feels to me sort of like waking up out of a coma), I looked forward to then joining the ministry, but found out that it was closed.  The intensity of my reaction surprised me.  I was crushed, brokenhearted.  I cried for days.  The impact that my disability has on my life hit me hard.  The illness was directly responsible for me missing out on an opportunity to form relationships, and to glorify the Lord by sharing with this particular group how He has worked in my life, along with offering support and encouragement to those attending. Not to mention that I needed to be ministered to.  Why would God let this happen?  Why would He make available the exact ministry I needed at this exact time in my life, and then not let me participate?  How can a door to healing and fellowship be closed?  I don't know.  All I do know is that it hurts.

Often when we are hurt deeply, we take a self-protective stance.  We react in ways that attempt to ensure we will never be hurt like that again.  These wounds often begin in childhood, and in our minds we confirm them over and over even into adulthood (one of the Enemy's favorite tactics).  Thus my feelings of not being "good enough" surfaced.  I played over and over in my head messages like, "There must be something wrong with me.  Why couldn't I just be strong enough to overcome the illness to join the group in time?  I don't really matter to them."   My tendency toward self protection against the pain of these thoughts was to want to lash out.  I was angry.  I wanted to yell, "What do you MEAN I can't come?"  Additionally, I have moments of self protective thoughts like, "I'm done with ministries.  If they don't want me, they won't get me.  I'll just withdraw (emotionally as well as physically).  Then I don't have to feel the pain of rejection again."

My challenge right now is to remember that to withdraw, to lash out, to put up a self protective wall would be exactly what the Enemy would have me do.  Because where there are walls, there cannot be love.  I have learned this through a very long journey of hurt and healing. That's why it was so important to me to share in this ministry. I do not understand why events played out the way they did,
but I trust the Holy Spirit will reveal to me in time what my role and responsibility is in this.  He always does.