Who is The Holy Spirit, Anyhow?

Since my last post I have been experiencing many thoughts and feelings.  I have been trying to make sense of them all, and to pay attention to what they are telling me. I became aware of how deeply I still grieve for the healthy body and lifestyle of my past. I believed I had adjusted well and accepted my situation, but the longing for pain free, active living was apparently still alive in me.  I became despondant.  My focus more often centered around what I can't do, and how much pain I feel on a daily basis.  I also began to feel lonely.

What I find interesting is that prior to my last post, I had prayed to reach a yet deeper level of intimacy with the Lord.  I craved more of Him.  I knew that with such a prayer, I could expect some sort of upheaval in my life.  Also, this is when I could expect to hear from the Holy Spirit, and I needed to keep my spiritual eyes, ears, and heart open for His presence and instruction. 

Who is the Holy Spirit?  Several years ago I asked myself that question.  I had no trouble praying to the Father and the Son,  but who exactly was this Spirit?  Growing up, I was taught to pray, saying, "In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit".  But the best I could figure out, He was a white bird that floats above one's head. Then later on, as an adult, I attended evangelical churches.  There, as I heard people describe the Spirit, it appeared that He may have been an Essence that "sweeps through" a room.  In my head I was picturing something like fairy dust sprinkling over us in church.  There was one woman that left our church because she claimed the Holy Spirit wasn't there since no one except her ever fainted on the floor "in the Spirit".  Other people speak in tongues.  There were discussions as to whether a person is saved at the moment of accepting Jesus, or later at a "baptism of the Spirit".  The list of descriptions goes on and on.  So I decided to see for myself, and went to the most reliable source, Scripture. There, I learned that  The Spirit is a Person.  He is the third Person of the Trinity.  Among many other things, He is my Counselor, my Teacher, and my Guide to Truth.  He is Truth.  He is very real and desires a real relationship with us. 

So, it is with this knowlege that I go to Him when I need guidance, or clarification if I am confused about something in my life.  I go to Him when my thoughts are so jumbled up in my head that I don't even know how to articulate them into a prayer. He articulates for me. I go to Him when I am hurting and want to see the Father's hand in my situation.  Such was the case with my experience of the "missed opportunity for women's ministry" written about in my last post.  The intense feelings of grief, sadness and rejection seemed disproportionate to the actual event.  And they stayed around for many days.  I know enough to see that these feelings came as a result of the presence of evil in this world. He pounced on me, eager to destroy any possibility for growth in my Christian walk.  I had a choice.  I could go with these feelings, isolate myself some more in order to protect myself from being disappointed by people, and be mad at God.  I could focus on my impaired physical condition and stay depressed and resentful about it. Or I could be still and wait for the Holy Spirit to speak.  I won't lie.  It was a battle in my mind for a couple of weeks.  It was not a pleasant time.  However, throughout this time, I did ask in my prayer journal more than once for the Holy Spirit to guide me, teach me, and give me clarity about this experience. I had complete confidence that He would answer this prayer.  I just had to be patient and listen.

Gradually, my thoughts started to clear, and I was reminded of something I had read in the book Waking the Dead by John Eldredge.  He was speaking about the effect of painful experiences from our early life that cause us to feel pain as adults.  He says, "The lessons that have been laid down in pain can only abe accessed in pain.  Christ must open the wound, not just bandage it over.  Some times He will  take us there by having an event repeat itself years later, only with new characters in the current situation...these are all invitations to go with Him into the deep waters of the heart, uncover the lies that are buried down there, and bring in the truth that will set us free.  Don't just bury it quickly; ask God what He is wanting to speak to."  God was speaking to me.  He was addressing feelings that I had carried around for a lifetime, and offering me an opportunity to see them for the lies that they are, and offering me healing from them.  Because I am older now, more mature in my faith, and more familiar with God's voice, I have better tools for handling negative feelings.  It is an ongoing process, and probably will be for a long time.  I have accepted the invitation from the Holy Spirit to to join Him in healing and moving forward in the journey of knowing God better.  I feel the freedom that comes from trusting that the Lord is good.