Well, the lidcaine treatment didn't work! The first treatment resulted in no change whatsoever, and the second one put me in the emergency room! The lidocaine is given intravenously over a period of one hour in the doctor's office. You are hooked up to a heart monitor because it also is used as a heart medication to treat arrhythmias. They have to be aware of any cardiac changes. The first time, all the medication did was make me sleepy. The second time, I very quickly started to feel drowsy and dizzy. Then I felt pain in my chest, and my left arm and neck. At first I ignored it because I am used to feeling random pains everywhere. But then it increased in intensity and my heart raced. I told them to stop the infusion. They sent me to the ER, where I spent the afternoon. Tests revealed no heart attack. It remains a mystery as to why I felt those symptoms. I'm just happy that I had my husband with me at the doctor's. I needed to have him close by.
So it appears that no pain relief will be coming just yet. I am disappointed of course, but not devastated. I just wanted so much to look forward to enjoying my daughter's wedding in May. I actually am very worried that I won't be able to make it through the day. I get very ill just going to someone else's wedding, and that's just going to the reception. How will I get through the preparations, picture taking, ceremony, guest greeting, reception, etc. when my limit for being out of bed is only one to two hours? It's just too physically demanding. I have to let go and trust.
All of this makes me think a lot about heaven. It may be that my healing will not occur until then. Heaven is becoming more real to me. Previously, I couldn't really get a grasp on it's reality. It was more of an idea than fact. My brain just could not grasp it. I know from Scripture that there will be no pain or sorrow. We will experience God personally and be in His presence. There will be joy beyond comprehension. I am understanding now how the things I find a little joy in right now are just little glimspses of what Eternity will be like. I find joy in God's beautiful creation in nature. That is just a tiny indication of the beauty I will experience in Heaven that will take my breath away. I find joy when people love me, and I can love back. In heaven that joy will be multiplied without end when I am in the presence of Love Himself. We are created to treasure relationships in anticipation for the ultimate relationship with our Lord. I crave peace, happiness, freedom, pain relief, a sense of transcendance from the difficulties of earth. These are desires the Lord has given me to remind me that this is not my home. He has created us for life with Him, and that is what our souls long for. It is a reminder that we are here only as sojourners. Our real life is yet to come. In the meantime He continues to give me glimspses of Heaven as encouragement that He has a beautiful plan for my eternal life.
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Saturday, December 8, 2012
What Would Happen If I Were Healed?
This coming week, I will be receiving a new treatment for nerve pain. It involves the infusion of IV lidocaine over a period of time. It's not a common treatment, and from what they tell me, different people get different results, some more successful than others. I decided I really don't have anything to lose, so I'll try it. My pain has been increasing at an alarming rate. I now need a power chair for my house since my stool with wheels is getting too painful to use. I do still walk occasionally outside my home for a few yards, if it's on grass. Apart from a slight limp, most people would not even notice I am having difficulty. If I go more than a few yards, however, it becomes obvious. Most of the time, however, I am able to mask the pain. Who would want to be around a person who is always grimacing? More often than not, I just become very quiet.
As I thought about receiving this treatment, I began to wonder what would happen if it worked. How would it feel to be pain free? I tried to remember a time when that was the case. I can't even remember what it was like. I imagine I would feel very light. I would probably have a lot more energy without battling the pain every minute. My life would probably change. What would it be like to leave the house casually, without weighing every move? I would feel so free. I would just appreciate letting the bedsheet touch my feet and just having it feel like a bedsheet, not like the grinding of gravel! I would be able to rest.
I want to make something very clear. God is good. I'm saying that now, before I know the outcome of this new treatment. He's good if He takes away my pain, and He is good if He doesn't. In fact, I consider this whole illness situation to be His gift to me. He removed the things that were distacting me from Him, like a career, freedom of activity, socializing, etc. Instead, He made me aware that He wants a relationship with me. When I had very little left in the way of health and activity, I asked for more of Him, which He is giving me. And there is so much more of Him that He still wants to give.
So, now I am thinking, what will happen if I suddenly became able to do all of those earthly things again? Will I become so busy with them that I will forget my journey with the Lord? I was thinking the other day, if I had a choice between being healed and forgetting about my walk, or staying in pain and growing more, what would I choose? Wow. I wanted to be honest in my answer, so I took a long time to ponder that. I realized that I can't give up my pursuit for intimacy with God. To do that would make my life empty and pointless. It's very, very hard to imagine my life with never ending physical pain. Especially lately. But I remind myself that I will not be alone in it. God will hold my hand through it. He will lead me to places in His heart that I have yet to experience.
As I thought about receiving this treatment, I began to wonder what would happen if it worked. How would it feel to be pain free? I tried to remember a time when that was the case. I can't even remember what it was like. I imagine I would feel very light. I would probably have a lot more energy without battling the pain every minute. My life would probably change. What would it be like to leave the house casually, without weighing every move? I would feel so free. I would just appreciate letting the bedsheet touch my feet and just having it feel like a bedsheet, not like the grinding of gravel! I would be able to rest.
I want to make something very clear. God is good. I'm saying that now, before I know the outcome of this new treatment. He's good if He takes away my pain, and He is good if He doesn't. In fact, I consider this whole illness situation to be His gift to me. He removed the things that were distacting me from Him, like a career, freedom of activity, socializing, etc. Instead, He made me aware that He wants a relationship with me. When I had very little left in the way of health and activity, I asked for more of Him, which He is giving me. And there is so much more of Him that He still wants to give.
So, now I am thinking, what will happen if I suddenly became able to do all of those earthly things again? Will I become so busy with them that I will forget my journey with the Lord? I was thinking the other day, if I had a choice between being healed and forgetting about my walk, or staying in pain and growing more, what would I choose? Wow. I wanted to be honest in my answer, so I took a long time to ponder that. I realized that I can't give up my pursuit for intimacy with God. To do that would make my life empty and pointless. It's very, very hard to imagine my life with never ending physical pain. Especially lately. But I remind myself that I will not be alone in it. God will hold my hand through it. He will lead me to places in His heart that I have yet to experience.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Who is The Holy Spirit, Anyhow?
Since my last post I have been experiencing many thoughts and feelings. I have been trying to make sense of them all, and to pay attention to what they are telling me. I became aware of how deeply I still grieve for the healthy body and lifestyle of my past. I believed I had adjusted well and accepted my situation, but the longing for pain free, active living was apparently still alive in me. I became despondant. My focus more often centered around what I can't do, and how much pain I feel on a daily basis. I also began to feel lonely.
What I find interesting is that prior to my last post, I had prayed to reach a yet deeper level of intimacy with the Lord. I craved more of Him. I knew that with such a prayer, I could expect some sort of upheaval in my life. Also, this is when I could expect to hear from the Holy Spirit, and I needed to keep my spiritual eyes, ears, and heart open for His presence and instruction.
Who is the Holy Spirit? Several years ago I asked myself that question. I had no trouble praying to the Father and the Son, but who exactly was this Spirit? Growing up, I was taught to pray, saying, "In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit". But the best I could figure out, He was a white bird that floats above one's head. Then later on, as an adult, I attended evangelical churches. There, as I heard people describe the Spirit, it appeared that He may have been an Essence that "sweeps through" a room. In my head I was picturing something like fairy dust sprinkling over us in church. There was one woman that left our church because she claimed the Holy Spirit wasn't there since no one except her ever fainted on the floor "in the Spirit". Other people speak in tongues. There were discussions as to whether a person is saved at the moment of accepting Jesus, or later at a "baptism of the Spirit". The list of descriptions goes on and on. So I decided to see for myself, and went to the most reliable source, Scripture. There, I learned that The Spirit is a Person. He is the third Person of the Trinity. Among many other things, He is my Counselor, my Teacher, and my Guide to Truth. He is Truth. He is very real and desires a real relationship with us.
So, it is with this knowlege that I go to Him when I need guidance, or clarification if I am confused about something in my life. I go to Him when my thoughts are so jumbled up in my head that I don't even know how to articulate them into a prayer. He articulates for me. I go to Him when I am hurting and want to see the Father's hand in my situation. Such was the case with my experience of the "missed opportunity for women's ministry" written about in my last post. The intense feelings of grief, sadness and rejection seemed disproportionate to the actual event. And they stayed around for many days. I know enough to see that these feelings came as a result of the presence of evil in this world. He pounced on me, eager to destroy any possibility for growth in my Christian walk. I had a choice. I could go with these feelings, isolate myself some more in order to protect myself from being disappointed by people, and be mad at God. I could focus on my impaired physical condition and stay depressed and resentful about it. Or I could be still and wait for the Holy Spirit to speak. I won't lie. It was a battle in my mind for a couple of weeks. It was not a pleasant time. However, throughout this time, I did ask in my prayer journal more than once for the Holy Spirit to guide me, teach me, and give me clarity about this experience. I had complete confidence that He would answer this prayer. I just had to be patient and listen.
Gradually, my thoughts started to clear, and I was reminded of something I had read in the book Waking the Dead by John Eldredge. He was speaking about the effect of painful experiences from our early life that cause us to feel pain as adults. He says, "The lessons that have been laid down in pain can only abe accessed in pain. Christ must open the wound, not just bandage it over. Some times He will take us there by having an event repeat itself years later, only with new characters in the current situation...these are all invitations to go with Him into the deep waters of the heart, uncover the lies that are buried down there, and bring in the truth that will set us free. Don't just bury it quickly; ask God what He is wanting to speak to." God was speaking to me. He was addressing feelings that I had carried around for a lifetime, and offering me an opportunity to see them for the lies that they are, and offering me healing from them. Because I am older now, more mature in my faith, and more familiar with God's voice, I have better tools for handling negative feelings. It is an ongoing process, and probably will be for a long time. I have accepted the invitation from the Holy Spirit to to join Him in healing and moving forward in the journey of knowing God better. I feel the freedom that comes from trusting that the Lord is good.
What I find interesting is that prior to my last post, I had prayed to reach a yet deeper level of intimacy with the Lord. I craved more of Him. I knew that with such a prayer, I could expect some sort of upheaval in my life. Also, this is when I could expect to hear from the Holy Spirit, and I needed to keep my spiritual eyes, ears, and heart open for His presence and instruction.
Who is the Holy Spirit? Several years ago I asked myself that question. I had no trouble praying to the Father and the Son, but who exactly was this Spirit? Growing up, I was taught to pray, saying, "In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit". But the best I could figure out, He was a white bird that floats above one's head. Then later on, as an adult, I attended evangelical churches. There, as I heard people describe the Spirit, it appeared that He may have been an Essence that "sweeps through" a room. In my head I was picturing something like fairy dust sprinkling over us in church. There was one woman that left our church because she claimed the Holy Spirit wasn't there since no one except her ever fainted on the floor "in the Spirit". Other people speak in tongues. There were discussions as to whether a person is saved at the moment of accepting Jesus, or later at a "baptism of the Spirit". The list of descriptions goes on and on. So I decided to see for myself, and went to the most reliable source, Scripture. There, I learned that The Spirit is a Person. He is the third Person of the Trinity. Among many other things, He is my Counselor, my Teacher, and my Guide to Truth. He is Truth. He is very real and desires a real relationship with us.
So, it is with this knowlege that I go to Him when I need guidance, or clarification if I am confused about something in my life. I go to Him when my thoughts are so jumbled up in my head that I don't even know how to articulate them into a prayer. He articulates for me. I go to Him when I am hurting and want to see the Father's hand in my situation. Such was the case with my experience of the "missed opportunity for women's ministry" written about in my last post. The intense feelings of grief, sadness and rejection seemed disproportionate to the actual event. And they stayed around for many days. I know enough to see that these feelings came as a result of the presence of evil in this world. He pounced on me, eager to destroy any possibility for growth in my Christian walk. I had a choice. I could go with these feelings, isolate myself some more in order to protect myself from being disappointed by people, and be mad at God. I could focus on my impaired physical condition and stay depressed and resentful about it. Or I could be still and wait for the Holy Spirit to speak. I won't lie. It was a battle in my mind for a couple of weeks. It was not a pleasant time. However, throughout this time, I did ask in my prayer journal more than once for the Holy Spirit to guide me, teach me, and give me clarity about this experience. I had complete confidence that He would answer this prayer. I just had to be patient and listen.
Gradually, my thoughts started to clear, and I was reminded of something I had read in the book Waking the Dead by John Eldredge. He was speaking about the effect of painful experiences from our early life that cause us to feel pain as adults. He says, "The lessons that have been laid down in pain can only abe accessed in pain. Christ must open the wound, not just bandage it over. Some times He will take us there by having an event repeat itself years later, only with new characters in the current situation...these are all invitations to go with Him into the deep waters of the heart, uncover the lies that are buried down there, and bring in the truth that will set us free. Don't just bury it quickly; ask God what He is wanting to speak to." God was speaking to me. He was addressing feelings that I had carried around for a lifetime, and offering me an opportunity to see them for the lies that they are, and offering me healing from them. Because I am older now, more mature in my faith, and more familiar with God's voice, I have better tools for handling negative feelings. It is an ongoing process, and probably will be for a long time. I have accepted the invitation from the Holy Spirit to to join Him in healing and moving forward in the journey of knowing God better. I feel the freedom that comes from trusting that the Lord is good.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
The Pain of Isolation
Perhaps the most painful aspect of chronic illness is the isolation that it causes. I recently had an experience that brought that fact so close to home that the wounds I feel as a result are very, very deep. The odd nature of my disability is isolating. By this I mean that there is not only the pain factor, but also profound exhaution which prevents me from experiencing fellowship. I have very few opportunities to socialize with other women. Shopping trips, luncheons, gatherings, retreats, are all beyond what my body can do, especially if they are at night. What makes it worse is that I don't look sick, so I fear that other people may interpret my absence as lack of interest or desire for relationships. The opposite is true. I especially miss the special beauty that fellowship among
women provides. Not only do I miss it, I crave it.
There was an opportunity to participate in a ministry that I felt passionate about. I was familiar with the unique content. I had been journeying a very long time with the related issues. But I was journeying alone. I wanted so much to travel this leg of the journey with friends. I was sure the Lord provided this ministry just for me, since it encompassed precisely the type of growth and healing I have been experiencing over recent years. When I learned of it, I was so excited. There was only one problem. It was at night. But I wanted to take part, so I took a step out in faith and decided to sign up anyway. I would trust that the Lord would work it out. But what happened next disappointed me. Not only did I not feel well enough to go, but I experienced one of the worst flareups of symptoms I have had, and it lasted long enough that I missed the beginning of this ministry. When I finally could see myself clear (it feels to me sort of like waking up out of a coma), I looked forward to then joining the ministry, but found out that it was closed. The intensity of my reaction surprised me. I was crushed, brokenhearted. I cried for days. The impact that my disability has on my life hit me hard. The illness was directly responsible for me missing out on an opportunity to form relationships, and to glorify the Lord by sharing with this particular group how He has worked in my life, along with offering support and encouragement to those attending. Not to mention that I needed to be ministered to. Why would God let this happen? Why would He make available the exact ministry I needed at this exact time in my life, and then not let me participate? How can a door to healing and fellowship be closed? I don't know. All I do know is that it hurts.
Often when we are hurt deeply, we take a self-protective stance. We react in ways that attempt to ensure we will never be hurt like that again. These wounds often begin in childhood, and in our minds we confirm them over and over even into adulthood (one of the Enemy's favorite tactics). Thus my feelings of not being "good enough" surfaced. I played over and over in my head messages like, "There must be something wrong with me. Why couldn't I just be strong enough to overcome the illness to join the group in time? I don't really matter to them." My tendency toward self protection against the pain of these thoughts was to want to lash out. I was angry. I wanted to yell, "What do you MEAN I can't come?" Additionally, I have moments of self protective thoughts like, "I'm done with ministries. If they don't want me, they won't get me. I'll just withdraw (emotionally as well as physically). Then I don't have to feel the pain of rejection again."
My challenge right now is to remember that to withdraw, to lash out, to put up a self protective wall would be exactly what the Enemy would have me do. Because where there are walls, there cannot be love. I have learned this through a very long journey of hurt and healing. That's why it was so important to me to share in this ministry. I do not understand why events played out the way they did,
but I trust the Holy Spirit will reveal to me in time what my role and responsibility is in this. He always does.
women provides. Not only do I miss it, I crave it.
There was an opportunity to participate in a ministry that I felt passionate about. I was familiar with the unique content. I had been journeying a very long time with the related issues. But I was journeying alone. I wanted so much to travel this leg of the journey with friends. I was sure the Lord provided this ministry just for me, since it encompassed precisely the type of growth and healing I have been experiencing over recent years. When I learned of it, I was so excited. There was only one problem. It was at night. But I wanted to take part, so I took a step out in faith and decided to sign up anyway. I would trust that the Lord would work it out. But what happened next disappointed me. Not only did I not feel well enough to go, but I experienced one of the worst flareups of symptoms I have had, and it lasted long enough that I missed the beginning of this ministry. When I finally could see myself clear (it feels to me sort of like waking up out of a coma), I looked forward to then joining the ministry, but found out that it was closed. The intensity of my reaction surprised me. I was crushed, brokenhearted. I cried for days. The impact that my disability has on my life hit me hard. The illness was directly responsible for me missing out on an opportunity to form relationships, and to glorify the Lord by sharing with this particular group how He has worked in my life, along with offering support and encouragement to those attending. Not to mention that I needed to be ministered to. Why would God let this happen? Why would He make available the exact ministry I needed at this exact time in my life, and then not let me participate? How can a door to healing and fellowship be closed? I don't know. All I do know is that it hurts.
Often when we are hurt deeply, we take a self-protective stance. We react in ways that attempt to ensure we will never be hurt like that again. These wounds often begin in childhood, and in our minds we confirm them over and over even into adulthood (one of the Enemy's favorite tactics). Thus my feelings of not being "good enough" surfaced. I played over and over in my head messages like, "There must be something wrong with me. Why couldn't I just be strong enough to overcome the illness to join the group in time? I don't really matter to them." My tendency toward self protection against the pain of these thoughts was to want to lash out. I was angry. I wanted to yell, "What do you MEAN I can't come?" Additionally, I have moments of self protective thoughts like, "I'm done with ministries. If they don't want me, they won't get me. I'll just withdraw (emotionally as well as physically). Then I don't have to feel the pain of rejection again."
My challenge right now is to remember that to withdraw, to lash out, to put up a self protective wall would be exactly what the Enemy would have me do. Because where there are walls, there cannot be love. I have learned this through a very long journey of hurt and healing. That's why it was so important to me to share in this ministry. I do not understand why events played out the way they did,
but I trust the Holy Spirit will reveal to me in time what my role and responsibility is in this. He always does.
Saturday, October 20, 2012
As We Heal
It seems that so often I begin my posts with a statement about how I haven't written in a while because I'm not feeling well enough. This one is no exception. These past few weeks have been among the most challenging of my life so far. Tim's healing was extremely slow. The degree of weakness he experienced due to the infection was profound. Caring for him was an extreme challenge to my own weakened body. Pushing myself to keep going every day caused my immune system to weaken, which resulted in a strong flareup of my Lyme symptoms. The feelings of weakness, pain, and exhaustion are overwhelming at times. My daily life right now is quite restricted, needing to rest in bed at least 7 hours a day. If I try to push, I get sicker. So, typing on the computer has been difficult. On a good day I need to lay down on my back with the laptop propped up on pillows on my legs in order to type with minimal pain. I complain about my foot pain so much that I don't often mention the significant pain in my head, neck and shoulders that is always there every day. Yet, I have to say that there was a sweetness about caring for my husband, and for him to receive the care. A bond that began almost 40 years ago was further strengthened by the experience. I am happy to say that at present, he is doing well. He had his PICC line removed. No more walking around with an IV bag! Thank you all for your prayers. He still tires easily, and walking is uncomfortable, but he is so much better. he will not be out of the woods for several months, however. He still takes oral antibiotics. The doctors have said that the infection can come back and the knee joint may have to be replaced.
There were many times throughout this ordeal that I felt that the weight of it was too much to bear. I am going to be absolutely honest here. Even with my ever growing faith, I still had bouts of feeling alone and distanced from God. The truths that I knew, such as, that God is always with me, He is our Healer, He is working things together for our good, and for His purposes, He can give us peace...comforted me to a degree, but I was still miserable. I think sometimes we make the mistake of thinking that by saying these truths, we should automatically get lifted out of our trial. We think that the current situation should be removed. Don't get me wrong, the Lord can and does do that in many cases. But for many, the trial is necessary as He molds us into the image of Christ. I found that rather than looking to find the peace and presence of God by having my situation changed, or my mood to lift, I had to open my eyes to other areas of my life and my heart to see where God was at work. I found that there were wonderful gifts awaiting me. For instance, I suddenly had the ability to read scripture in a different way. Because of my deepening relationship with the Lord, I started reading scripture from the point of view of a message from someone I knew well. Previously, I had been reading it kind of the same way I would be reading an encyclopedia. To gain knowlege. To find out the facts. To find out the truths about our Lord. Of course all of that is absolutely necessary, but it wasn't enough. I also often felt like it was a book of rules that I just could never seem to get right. Many times I didn't trust myself to read and interpret on my own. I thought I needed someone else more knowlegable to make sure I was getting it right. Now, instead, I am able to go with confidence and familiarity to the Scriptures and hear what is being said to me personally. I was reading it as if the Lord were smiling at me as He gently explained to me His plan for us. I now know Him not only as my creator, but as my friend. If my friend writes me a letter, I'm really interested in what they want to say to me. I really want to know what is on their heart. I read it with a sense of familiarity and confidence in the relationship we have. Going to the Bible from that mindset opened up a new level of intimacy. Suddenly the words and concepts made more sense. I was more easily able to apply the truths to what was happening in my own life. It became a book I couldn't put down. I enjoyed it and wanted to know more. I didn't feel like I was just reading out of a sense of duty. This new experience was the precious gift that God gave me at the same time I was going through the rough trial. The trial was still going on, and was painful, but something more beautiful was being given to me. This gift acted as my strength, my "fuel" to press on. This particular trial is ending, but the gift given to me during it, will last my lifetime.
There were many times throughout this ordeal that I felt that the weight of it was too much to bear. I am going to be absolutely honest here. Even with my ever growing faith, I still had bouts of feeling alone and distanced from God. The truths that I knew, such as, that God is always with me, He is our Healer, He is working things together for our good, and for His purposes, He can give us peace...comforted me to a degree, but I was still miserable. I think sometimes we make the mistake of thinking that by saying these truths, we should automatically get lifted out of our trial. We think that the current situation should be removed. Don't get me wrong, the Lord can and does do that in many cases. But for many, the trial is necessary as He molds us into the image of Christ. I found that rather than looking to find the peace and presence of God by having my situation changed, or my mood to lift, I had to open my eyes to other areas of my life and my heart to see where God was at work. I found that there were wonderful gifts awaiting me. For instance, I suddenly had the ability to read scripture in a different way. Because of my deepening relationship with the Lord, I started reading scripture from the point of view of a message from someone I knew well. Previously, I had been reading it kind of the same way I would be reading an encyclopedia. To gain knowlege. To find out the facts. To find out the truths about our Lord. Of course all of that is absolutely necessary, but it wasn't enough. I also often felt like it was a book of rules that I just could never seem to get right. Many times I didn't trust myself to read and interpret on my own. I thought I needed someone else more knowlegable to make sure I was getting it right. Now, instead, I am able to go with confidence and familiarity to the Scriptures and hear what is being said to me personally. I was reading it as if the Lord were smiling at me as He gently explained to me His plan for us. I now know Him not only as my creator, but as my friend. If my friend writes me a letter, I'm really interested in what they want to say to me. I really want to know what is on their heart. I read it with a sense of familiarity and confidence in the relationship we have. Going to the Bible from that mindset opened up a new level of intimacy. Suddenly the words and concepts made more sense. I was more easily able to apply the truths to what was happening in my own life. It became a book I couldn't put down. I enjoyed it and wanted to know more. I didn't feel like I was just reading out of a sense of duty. This new experience was the precious gift that God gave me at the same time I was going through the rough trial. The trial was still going on, and was painful, but something more beautiful was being given to me. This gift acted as my strength, my "fuel" to press on. This particular trial is ending, but the gift given to me during it, will last my lifetime.
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Update
My head is spinning with hourly changes in Tim's condition. I just got back from the hospital, where the infectious disease doctor updated us on test results. The cultures showed staph infection not only in his knee, but in his blood, too. He has sepsis. This is an extremely serious situation. Had we not caught it when we did, his life would have been in danger. He is not out of the woods, yet. There is a concern that the infection could have affected his heart valves. He already has congestive heart failure, so this is very frightening. We are both anxious. Once again, I take my fears to the Lord. I have asked Him for complete healing, recognizing that only He can do that. I know we do not have the strength to go through this without Him. My prayer is that our focus can be on the Lord, and we can recognize encounters with him when they occur.
Prayer and Healing
My posts seem to be getting further apart, not that I have less to say, it's just that I'm still trying to recover from a period of physical weakness.
My thoughts lately have been about how my prayers have changed over the last year or so. I have previously written how I was learning through journaling that God absolutely heard my prayers and answered them. The Holy Spirit is taking me to a new level. I have started to pray more for a deeper understanding and intimacy with God through occurances in my life, rather than praying for a specific result. For instance, two of my adult children needed jobs. Each time they had interviews I prayed that they would get the job, but they didn't. This went on for a couple of years. During that time, I was growing and changing. I started to wonder if what I was indeed doing was trying to convince God to perform in accordance with my own agenda, what I thought was best for my children. But they needed to grow and change, too. The delay in getting jobs was part of the Lord's plan, which is infinitely better than mine. My prayers changed. I became completely honest in expressing my concern for their welfare and happiness, along with recognizing the fact that God's plan is perfect. The focus of my prayers became their individual walks with the Lord, as well as growth of my own trust and faith in this situation. I had to let go and understand that God had the situation under control, even as I continued to be honest about my desire for them to gain employment. I had a sense that this is what the Lord wanted all along, for me to take my troubles to him, be honest about them, recognize his sovereignty. I think about when my children were tiny, and when something would frighten them, or make them unsure. They would run to me, lift up their arms and ask me to pick them up and hold them. The rush of love and tenderness that I felt for them in that moment, and the happiness that they trusted me that much, goes beyond what can be expressed in words. I imagine God feeling the same way when I take my concerns to him. It was some time after I let go of my desire to control my childrens' future that they both did get jobs. God's plan was always in place.
This brings me to some other thoughts. I am thinking about how often we pray for people who are sick or need surgery. For some time, now, I have been pondering this issue. We often pray for healing, and for "wisdom for the doctors". While I am absolutely sure that God has control over these things, the truth remains that sometimes healing and wisdom do not occur. Several years ago, I had major abdominal surgery. I went into the experience confidently, even smugly, knowing I had prayed for the usual guidance for the surgeon's hands and trouble free recovery. I expected to sail in and out of there. Just the opposite happened. The surgeon made a huge error, closing off the ureter to my right kidney. That meant that the kidney had no way to empty. Picture a water balloon ready to burst. The pain involved went off the scale. I've been through labor and delivery twice and it was not as painful as this. The nurses did not believe me and dismissed my cries for help. There was a whole seies of bungles by the nurses, but I won't get into that. Finally, when my roomate yelled out for someone to come help me, a day later, they sent for a doctor who recognized that I was having kidney pain. I wound up in the hospital for 10 days which included three more surgeries to repair the damage. At no time did the pain abate. The recovery was slow and difficult. I couldn't understand what had gone wrong with my initial prayer. I thought that I didn't word it correctly, or my faith wasn't strong enough. I felt that I wasn't a good enough Christian. Why was I not able to convince God to adhere to my plan? I may never know why the Lord saw fit to allow me to experience that degree of suffering. I suspect that the reasons are far too intricate for my human brain to fathom. What I do know, though, is that had I been more familiar with His voice and presence, I would not have felt so alone and desperate.
Now, when I pray for health for myself or others, I take a look at the core issues really at play. When we are sick or facing surgery, we feel vulnerable. We feel fear of the unknown, of pain, suffering, or death. We may feel unprotected and alone. We feel loss of control. I think that is why we have so many prayer request about health issues. What better time to come to our Lord, than when we come to the realization that he is the only one who can control the outcome? Illness is the perfect time to lean on God entirely, not just expecting a swift removal from the illness, but an encounter with Him instead. Sudden illness has a way of quickly clearing out all of the mundane things from our minds and hearts, to make way for what is truly important, our complete dependence on God. Our spiritual eyes tend to stay riveted on Him. The Lord absolutely can and does perform miraculous healing. These occasions are glorious displays of God's power and love. However, I believe there are no fewer miracles occuring when He allows the illness to run its course. These miracles are dailly occurances as he guides us through the experience, providing opportunity after opportunity to know his love and compassion as he walks with us through our fear and uncertainty. We feel very vulnerable with things like hosital stays, devastating diagnoses, surgeries, etc. How reassuring it is to know that God is truly by our side. If we had previously sought out and gained an intimate relationship with him, this becomes more natural to us.The miracle that is occuring is in his unending faithfulness, compassion, and devotion to us. We experience his power to sustain. It also requires just as much faith on our part to believe in his power and presence through an illness as it does to believe he can heal it.
I have been writing this post over a period of a few days. Something very interesting has happened since writing the previous paragraph. My husband suddenly began running a fever and his knee with the brand new joint replacement began to swell. We went to the emergency room and yesterday he had another surgery on his knee. He only had his replacement 8 weeks ago. Apparently there had been an infection brewing in there. He is in the hospital again and it feels like a nightmare. The first surgery was extremely difficult on him, and I, myself, am still recovering from the challenge of it all. It seems unreal that we are back again to being in the hospital. A couple really does become one with marriage. I acutely feel his pain and anxiety. His recovery had been going so well. He was even playing golf again. So my thoughts go back to what I was saying about my own "surgery gone wrong" and how it would be different if it should happen again. The difference would be that I am more familiar with God's voice, and more sensitive to his presence. I am considering this as we go through this trial. My prayers are different than several years ago. I am also experiencing a fair share of attacks from Evil as he has me imagining the worst, such as a bone infection (which is extremely dangerous), or sepsis. Being a retired RN only makes it worse because I know how bad it can get. I took these fears to our Lord. I was honest with my desire for a quick fix. I also was thankful that we are not alone and I look forward to seeing Him throughout this experience, especially if the fix isn't quick. And of course, this journey is really Tim's, and my prayer is that he will reach a new level of intimacy with God as a result. As it turns out, the infection is not in the bone. Tim will receive antibiotics through a PIC line after discharge, which should be in a couple of days. I am so thankful that it wasn't worse. However, if it was, I know that it would would have been an opportunity for an encounter with the Lord, and I'd be thankful for that as well.
My thoughts lately have been about how my prayers have changed over the last year or so. I have previously written how I was learning through journaling that God absolutely heard my prayers and answered them. The Holy Spirit is taking me to a new level. I have started to pray more for a deeper understanding and intimacy with God through occurances in my life, rather than praying for a specific result. For instance, two of my adult children needed jobs. Each time they had interviews I prayed that they would get the job, but they didn't. This went on for a couple of years. During that time, I was growing and changing. I started to wonder if what I was indeed doing was trying to convince God to perform in accordance with my own agenda, what I thought was best for my children. But they needed to grow and change, too. The delay in getting jobs was part of the Lord's plan, which is infinitely better than mine. My prayers changed. I became completely honest in expressing my concern for their welfare and happiness, along with recognizing the fact that God's plan is perfect. The focus of my prayers became their individual walks with the Lord, as well as growth of my own trust and faith in this situation. I had to let go and understand that God had the situation under control, even as I continued to be honest about my desire for them to gain employment. I had a sense that this is what the Lord wanted all along, for me to take my troubles to him, be honest about them, recognize his sovereignty. I think about when my children were tiny, and when something would frighten them, or make them unsure. They would run to me, lift up their arms and ask me to pick them up and hold them. The rush of love and tenderness that I felt for them in that moment, and the happiness that they trusted me that much, goes beyond what can be expressed in words. I imagine God feeling the same way when I take my concerns to him. It was some time after I let go of my desire to control my childrens' future that they both did get jobs. God's plan was always in place.
This brings me to some other thoughts. I am thinking about how often we pray for people who are sick or need surgery. For some time, now, I have been pondering this issue. We often pray for healing, and for "wisdom for the doctors". While I am absolutely sure that God has control over these things, the truth remains that sometimes healing and wisdom do not occur. Several years ago, I had major abdominal surgery. I went into the experience confidently, even smugly, knowing I had prayed for the usual guidance for the surgeon's hands and trouble free recovery. I expected to sail in and out of there. Just the opposite happened. The surgeon made a huge error, closing off the ureter to my right kidney. That meant that the kidney had no way to empty. Picture a water balloon ready to burst. The pain involved went off the scale. I've been through labor and delivery twice and it was not as painful as this. The nurses did not believe me and dismissed my cries for help. There was a whole seies of bungles by the nurses, but I won't get into that. Finally, when my roomate yelled out for someone to come help me, a day later, they sent for a doctor who recognized that I was having kidney pain. I wound up in the hospital for 10 days which included three more surgeries to repair the damage. At no time did the pain abate. The recovery was slow and difficult. I couldn't understand what had gone wrong with my initial prayer. I thought that I didn't word it correctly, or my faith wasn't strong enough. I felt that I wasn't a good enough Christian. Why was I not able to convince God to adhere to my plan? I may never know why the Lord saw fit to allow me to experience that degree of suffering. I suspect that the reasons are far too intricate for my human brain to fathom. What I do know, though, is that had I been more familiar with His voice and presence, I would not have felt so alone and desperate.
Now, when I pray for health for myself or others, I take a look at the core issues really at play. When we are sick or facing surgery, we feel vulnerable. We feel fear of the unknown, of pain, suffering, or death. We may feel unprotected and alone. We feel loss of control. I think that is why we have so many prayer request about health issues. What better time to come to our Lord, than when we come to the realization that he is the only one who can control the outcome? Illness is the perfect time to lean on God entirely, not just expecting a swift removal from the illness, but an encounter with Him instead. Sudden illness has a way of quickly clearing out all of the mundane things from our minds and hearts, to make way for what is truly important, our complete dependence on God. Our spiritual eyes tend to stay riveted on Him. The Lord absolutely can and does perform miraculous healing. These occasions are glorious displays of God's power and love. However, I believe there are no fewer miracles occuring when He allows the illness to run its course. These miracles are dailly occurances as he guides us through the experience, providing opportunity after opportunity to know his love and compassion as he walks with us through our fear and uncertainty. We feel very vulnerable with things like hosital stays, devastating diagnoses, surgeries, etc. How reassuring it is to know that God is truly by our side. If we had previously sought out and gained an intimate relationship with him, this becomes more natural to us.The miracle that is occuring is in his unending faithfulness, compassion, and devotion to us. We experience his power to sustain. It also requires just as much faith on our part to believe in his power and presence through an illness as it does to believe he can heal it.
I have been writing this post over a period of a few days. Something very interesting has happened since writing the previous paragraph. My husband suddenly began running a fever and his knee with the brand new joint replacement began to swell. We went to the emergency room and yesterday he had another surgery on his knee. He only had his replacement 8 weeks ago. Apparently there had been an infection brewing in there. He is in the hospital again and it feels like a nightmare. The first surgery was extremely difficult on him, and I, myself, am still recovering from the challenge of it all. It seems unreal that we are back again to being in the hospital. A couple really does become one with marriage. I acutely feel his pain and anxiety. His recovery had been going so well. He was even playing golf again. So my thoughts go back to what I was saying about my own "surgery gone wrong" and how it would be different if it should happen again. The difference would be that I am more familiar with God's voice, and more sensitive to his presence. I am considering this as we go through this trial. My prayers are different than several years ago. I am also experiencing a fair share of attacks from Evil as he has me imagining the worst, such as a bone infection (which is extremely dangerous), or sepsis. Being a retired RN only makes it worse because I know how bad it can get. I took these fears to our Lord. I was honest with my desire for a quick fix. I also was thankful that we are not alone and I look forward to seeing Him throughout this experience, especially if the fix isn't quick. And of course, this journey is really Tim's, and my prayer is that he will reach a new level of intimacy with God as a result. As it turns out, the infection is not in the bone. Tim will receive antibiotics through a PIC line after discharge, which should be in a couple of days. I am so thankful that it wasn't worse. However, if it was, I know that it would would have been an opportunity for an encounter with the Lord, and I'd be thankful for that as well.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Perseverance
I actually started that last post over 2 weeks ago and just added it the other day. So here I am, ready to complete my thoughts. I'm happy to say, my fatigue has improved slightly. It was rough going there for a while. The incessant throbbing pain and burning in my feet is difficult to endure and that alone is very draining. I didn't even have the strength to converse with people I was struggling just to keep my head above water. That phrase has paricular meaning for me, so I don't use it lightly. A few years ago, I was caught in a rip current in the ocean. FYI, " swimming parallel to the shore" doesn't work if you're not a strong swimmer. The current doesn't just pull you out, it pulls you down. As I was furiously struggling to stay afloat, I knew that there was only one way I was going to get out of there, and my eyes went to the lifeguard stand. He had seen me and stood up as I signaled to him that I was in trouble. Within seconds, he swam out to me and handed me the life preserver, assuring me as he guided me toward shore, that everything was going to be alright, I was safe now. That's how I was feeling these past weeks. This story illustrates some things that were going on spiritually with me. I was working desperately to get through each hour of the day as challenges faced me. I was encouraged by the knowlege that my Lifeguard was always present as I kept my eyes on Him and didn't keep Him far from sight. But I reached the breaking point one night when I just felt like my body came to the end of its own ability to keep going. I cried out to God that I couldn't do it anymore. I was drowning. I needed rescuing and signaled my Rescuer. He was there with His eye on me all the while. He kept me from drowning, assuring me that all was going to be ok, I was safe with Him. I immediately felt peaceful and hopeful. I was going to get through this. I didn't feel hopeless anymore.
This leads me to some other thoughts that have been whirling around in my head. In the past, I have often wondered at the meaning of the verses in Romans about perseverence: "Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverence and perseverence, character, and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." It clearly states that suffering, perseverance, and hope are related. But I couldn't understand how. I perceived perseverance as just gritting my teeth and enduring the suffering. Even when the suffering is not extreme, it feels like many days are so hard. I just push through and resolve to keep going. I remember when we were little and we would make a "whirlpool" in our swimming pool by going around in a circle. Tnen we would change direction and try to go the other way. It was so hard to push against the current. It took a lot of strength and effort. That's how I feel on many days. So how does this build character and hope? How is it not disappointing? I knew the connection had to have something to do with our relationship with God, or it wouldn't have been put in the bible. But I wasn't getting it.
As I have journeyed through this experience with health issues, the Lord through his Holy Spirit has blessed me with clarity and understanding regarding the meaning of perseverance. Alone it does not build character and hope. The perseverance first needed to be appplied to my relationship with Him. Early in my journey I was blessed with the realization that I needed and wanted a more intimate relationship with God. I sought Him first, and made Him the focus of my desires. The perseverence I exercised was in continually holding on to the Lord, and listening to His voice, never letting go of his hand. I found that if the perseverance was directed at exercising my faith, it was automatically accompanied by the ability to persevere through the illness.
This brings me to the next step. How does this all relate to the building of character? Character is defined as the description of a person's attributes, strength, or abilities. I have to think a minute on how these things have been developing or changing in me. It's difficult to know what I reflect on the outside since I can't see myself, so I can only describe what I feel is going on inside me. I know I have developed patience through my experience. My faith has certainly grown. I have a heightened sensitivity to the suffering of others, which has deepened my sense of compassion. I have learned to find joy even in the smallest things.
How does the building of character produce hope? I think what is happening with me is that the character traits I am developing are among the fruit of the Spirit (Gal.5:22-23). How exciting to think I have that fruit developing in me! Continuing to develop these traits I believe paves the way toward a closer relationship with the Lord, and therefore leads to hope. I am learning his ways, and trusting Him. I know he has a plan to work all things for good. I can look forward to a future filled with His love, and an everlasting life with Him in His kingdom. My hope is alive. And that certainly is not disappointing!
.
This leads me to some other thoughts that have been whirling around in my head. In the past, I have often wondered at the meaning of the verses in Romans about perseverence: "Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverence and perseverence, character, and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." It clearly states that suffering, perseverance, and hope are related. But I couldn't understand how. I perceived perseverance as just gritting my teeth and enduring the suffering. Even when the suffering is not extreme, it feels like many days are so hard. I just push through and resolve to keep going. I remember when we were little and we would make a "whirlpool" in our swimming pool by going around in a circle. Tnen we would change direction and try to go the other way. It was so hard to push against the current. It took a lot of strength and effort. That's how I feel on many days. So how does this build character and hope? How is it not disappointing? I knew the connection had to have something to do with our relationship with God, or it wouldn't have been put in the bible. But I wasn't getting it.
As I have journeyed through this experience with health issues, the Lord through his Holy Spirit has blessed me with clarity and understanding regarding the meaning of perseverance. Alone it does not build character and hope. The perseverance first needed to be appplied to my relationship with Him. Early in my journey I was blessed with the realization that I needed and wanted a more intimate relationship with God. I sought Him first, and made Him the focus of my desires. The perseverence I exercised was in continually holding on to the Lord, and listening to His voice, never letting go of his hand. I found that if the perseverance was directed at exercising my faith, it was automatically accompanied by the ability to persevere through the illness.
This brings me to the next step. How does this all relate to the building of character? Character is defined as the description of a person's attributes, strength, or abilities. I have to think a minute on how these things have been developing or changing in me. It's difficult to know what I reflect on the outside since I can't see myself, so I can only describe what I feel is going on inside me. I know I have developed patience through my experience. My faith has certainly grown. I have a heightened sensitivity to the suffering of others, which has deepened my sense of compassion. I have learned to find joy even in the smallest things.
How does the building of character produce hope? I think what is happening with me is that the character traits I am developing are among the fruit of the Spirit (Gal.5:22-23). How exciting to think I have that fruit developing in me! Continuing to develop these traits I believe paves the way toward a closer relationship with the Lord, and therefore leads to hope. I am learning his ways, and trusting Him. I know he has a plan to work all things for good. I can look forward to a future filled with His love, and an everlasting life with Him in His kingdom. My hope is alive. And that certainly is not disappointing!
.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Perseverance
It's been a long time since my last post. I've been too exhausted to write. The RSD symptoms have proven to be one of my most challenging experiences yet. I praise God that this is a mild case, because anything more than this would be very difficult. It's the caziest thing. Everything hurts my feet. Even socks, blankets, and breezes. I have become very dependent on my scooter. In the house I roll from place to place on a stool with wheels. Going places on my own, while not impossible, is so exhausting fom loading and unloading the scooter, that I choose not to go most of the time. This has been extremely challenging as Tim is in rehab from knee replacement surgery, and going to visit him has proven to present additional difficulty.
Enduring this degree of pain wihout a significant break has caused me to be weak with fatigue. I'll have to continue this post another day.
Enduring this degree of pain wihout a significant break has caused me to be weak with fatigue. I'll have to continue this post another day.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Reflections
It has taken me quite a while to continue this story because I have had some new health challenges.
I now have Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy to add to my collection of syndromes. Very briefly, it is a disorder that causes you brain to not turn off the pain signal in an area of your body. It also can have other devastating effects, but the neurologist assures me that my cas is still mild. Nevertheless, the increase in pain has rendered me even less mobile than before, and more fatigued. This is an appropriate time for myself to remember what I learned during my owl experience.
When I recall my owl experience, the picture that comes to mind is not the moment when I see the owl for the first time. Instead, it feels as if I am viewing myself from a distance. I see myself at the top of the hill sitting on my scooter with the man standing next to me. We are both looking in the direction of my destination, as if we are pondering what our next step will be. When looking at myself this way, I am aware that this was a pivotal moment in my life. Something big happened here. It has taken me months to identify just what it was, although I did have some enlightenments along the way.
The first obvious thought that came to mind is that I was not alone. I had a helper. That reminded me that I have another Helper ("Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and I will help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand" Isaiah 41:10). Without even realizing it, I was making a choice right then and there. This disease was not going to own me. I would give it no more power. I know I will daily experience the effects of the illness, but it will not steal my faith and joy.
There was another more profound experience at the top of that hill. I felt the touch God's hand and the nearness of Him. I felt His compassion as he helped me to reach my goal. Also at that moment I discovered who I was. I advanced from just having a concept of God's great love for me, to actually experiencing it in my deepest self. I had the certainty of my place in His heart. I knew who I was--His daughter.
I now have Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy to add to my collection of syndromes. Very briefly, it is a disorder that causes you brain to not turn off the pain signal in an area of your body. It also can have other devastating effects, but the neurologist assures me that my cas is still mild. Nevertheless, the increase in pain has rendered me even less mobile than before, and more fatigued. This is an appropriate time for myself to remember what I learned during my owl experience.
When I recall my owl experience, the picture that comes to mind is not the moment when I see the owl for the first time. Instead, it feels as if I am viewing myself from a distance. I see myself at the top of the hill sitting on my scooter with the man standing next to me. We are both looking in the direction of my destination, as if we are pondering what our next step will be. When looking at myself this way, I am aware that this was a pivotal moment in my life. Something big happened here. It has taken me months to identify just what it was, although I did have some enlightenments along the way.
The first obvious thought that came to mind is that I was not alone. I had a helper. That reminded me that I have another Helper ("Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and I will help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand" Isaiah 41:10). Without even realizing it, I was making a choice right then and there. This disease was not going to own me. I would give it no more power. I know I will daily experience the effects of the illness, but it will not steal my faith and joy.
There was another more profound experience at the top of that hill. I felt the touch God's hand and the nearness of Him. I felt His compassion as he helped me to reach my goal. Also at that moment I discovered who I was. I advanced from just having a concept of God's great love for me, to actually experiencing it in my deepest self. I had the certainty of my place in His heart. I knew who I was--His daughter.
Friday, May 25, 2012
The Snowy Owl Part II
So here's the continuation of my owl story. I left off where I was sitting in my cart at the top of the hill surveying the expanse of the reservoir, along with realizing my electric cart would not be able to climb the hill on the way back. And I didn't even know if I could find the owl anyway. However, I had enjoyed the adventure, and decided I would just turn around and go home. But I heard a still small voice in my heart say, "Don't give up". I felt that the Lord was encouraging me that I could make it. At precisely that same moment, I heard a sound next to me. A nice young man had walked up beside me (he wasn't a serial killer) and asked if I needed help. Normally I would rather stick a needle in my eye than to as a stranger for help, but this time I said yes. I told him I was trying to find the owl. He said he knew where it was. We would have to get through that gate. We went up to it and he immediately saw that the chances were slim that we could get the cart through. I said I would just take the cart apart and get it through one piece at a time. I think he thought I was from the insane asylum, but we did get it through, although it looked like a skit from I Love Lucy! We had to walk/ride across the dam, and about half way across he pointed to a tiny white speck on a rocky ledge on the side of the dam and said that that was the owl. Never in a trillion years would I have been able to find it on my own. I did have binoculars with me, so was able to get a good view. I was esctatic! I could not get over that this lone owl found its way so far south and picked this spot to spend the winter. I thanked the man, and he continued across the dam on his hike while I just sat and marveled. I was so happy. Then it was time to go back. Uh oh. The hill. I decided to walk the cart up and worry about foot pain later (and boy was there pain!) I got to about 20 yards from my car and the battery died. Before I even had time to be concerned, I heard those footsteps again. My new friend appeared like before! I couldn't figure out how he got there so quick since I had seen him from my perch on the dam as he went completely in the opposite direction. Was he an angel? Regardless whether he was or wasn't--he definitely was heaven sent. He had me back my car up to the cart and he put it in the car for me. What an amazing experience. I'm still not done telling the story, however. I have had many revelations since that time, and would like to share them in my next post.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
The Snowy Owl
Some of you have already heard my Snowy Owl story. However, in the 6 months since it happened, I have continued to gain new insights into the experience. So I am telling it again including the new thoughts
It started when I had read in the local paper about a snowy owl that had been sighted at Merril Creek reservoir. That is an unusual occurrance, since it's home is usually in the Arctic. I had recently become interested in birdwatching, and wished I could see it. I had always liked to hike at Merrill Creek, but am unable to now because of my feet. I still go there, though, to sit at the lookout where I can see eagles and other birds.
On this particular day last December, there were other birders there with their scopes. One of them asked me if I had seen the owl. Since I hadn't, he showed me on his camera the closeup photo he had just taken of it in a different area of the reservoir. I was so grateful and happy to have an almost first hand view. I considered it a gift from God. Right there was a moment worth mentioning. It felt so good to choose to be thankful. My "go to" reaction had previously been to feel anger and frustration about being unable to do something that I desired to do. How freeing it was to not have those emotions. To linger in bitterness is a horrible palce to be. It certainly was not healthy physically or emotionally or spiritually. It was a conscious choice to begin approaching my condition with an attitude of thankfulness. I had learned that although I did not choose to be sick, I can choose the way in which I handle it. I can view it as the end of my hopes and dreams, or I can consider my situation a path to new and better things.
Tim knew how much I wanted to see the owl, so a few days later he and I drove to the spot where we had heard the owl was. As soon as we got out of the car we could see that the trail would be too difficult for me. Also, according to other hikers, it was a long way. It was then that a crazy idea started hatching in my head.
I have an electric cart to use if I need to go somewhere where walking is necessary. What would happen if I tried taking it on the trail? I wanted to find out, despite the fact that the cart is designed to be used on a smooth, flat surface. The next day I charged up my battery and drove to Merrill Creek. I took the cart out (it comes apart) and went merrily on my way. I had some fears, though. I had hiked by myself many times before, but now in my weakened body I felt vulnerable. What would happen if I came across a serial killer or a bear? i couldn't run and the cart doesn't go fast enough. I prayed for protection and continued. I can only imagine how crazy I looked bumping up and down on the rocky trail on a cart that was meant for the handicapped. But I was having such a good time! The fact that I was smiling probably added to my deranged look.
I should mention, though, that I had no idea where this owl was. I just knew people had come from this direction the day before. After a mile or maybe two, I came to the end of the trail. Ahead of me was the huge dam that you could walk on provided you could get throught the gate first. Probably to deter cyclists from riding on the dam, the gate had a tiny opening just meant for walkers. This opening was shaped sort of like an S, or a small very narrow maze, obviously so bikes couldn't get in. But they didn't say anything about carts!
However, there was anotherr obstacle. I first would have to go down a short, steep hill. That wouldn't be a problem, but I didn't think the motor on the cart could handle going back up on the return trip. That's when an interesting thing happened. But I will need to keep you in suspense for a few days since I will be away and not have access to my computer for a few days.
It started when I had read in the local paper about a snowy owl that had been sighted at Merril Creek reservoir. That is an unusual occurrance, since it's home is usually in the Arctic. I had recently become interested in birdwatching, and wished I could see it. I had always liked to hike at Merrill Creek, but am unable to now because of my feet. I still go there, though, to sit at the lookout where I can see eagles and other birds.
On this particular day last December, there were other birders there with their scopes. One of them asked me if I had seen the owl. Since I hadn't, he showed me on his camera the closeup photo he had just taken of it in a different area of the reservoir. I was so grateful and happy to have an almost first hand view. I considered it a gift from God. Right there was a moment worth mentioning. It felt so good to choose to be thankful. My "go to" reaction had previously been to feel anger and frustration about being unable to do something that I desired to do. How freeing it was to not have those emotions. To linger in bitterness is a horrible palce to be. It certainly was not healthy physically or emotionally or spiritually. It was a conscious choice to begin approaching my condition with an attitude of thankfulness. I had learned that although I did not choose to be sick, I can choose the way in which I handle it. I can view it as the end of my hopes and dreams, or I can consider my situation a path to new and better things.
Tim knew how much I wanted to see the owl, so a few days later he and I drove to the spot where we had heard the owl was. As soon as we got out of the car we could see that the trail would be too difficult for me. Also, according to other hikers, it was a long way. It was then that a crazy idea started hatching in my head.
I have an electric cart to use if I need to go somewhere where walking is necessary. What would happen if I tried taking it on the trail? I wanted to find out, despite the fact that the cart is designed to be used on a smooth, flat surface. The next day I charged up my battery and drove to Merrill Creek. I took the cart out (it comes apart) and went merrily on my way. I had some fears, though. I had hiked by myself many times before, but now in my weakened body I felt vulnerable. What would happen if I came across a serial killer or a bear? i couldn't run and the cart doesn't go fast enough. I prayed for protection and continued. I can only imagine how crazy I looked bumping up and down on the rocky trail on a cart that was meant for the handicapped. But I was having such a good time! The fact that I was smiling probably added to my deranged look.
I should mention, though, that I had no idea where this owl was. I just knew people had come from this direction the day before. After a mile or maybe two, I came to the end of the trail. Ahead of me was the huge dam that you could walk on provided you could get throught the gate first. Probably to deter cyclists from riding on the dam, the gate had a tiny opening just meant for walkers. This opening was shaped sort of like an S, or a small very narrow maze, obviously so bikes couldn't get in. But they didn't say anything about carts!
However, there was anotherr obstacle. I first would have to go down a short, steep hill. That wouldn't be a problem, but I didn't think the motor on the cart could handle going back up on the return trip. That's when an interesting thing happened. But I will need to keep you in suspense for a few days since I will be away and not have access to my computer for a few days.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Discouragement and Joy
There was another new awareness that came as a result of an experience with nature. It was a lesson in how to handle discouragement. This particular lesson occured while I was at the beach. Being near the ocean has always made me feel rejuvunated. The salt air, the sand, the sound of the waves and sea birds have a healing effect. The seemingly boundless expanse of the ocean and crash of the waves reminds me of God's vast presence and power.
On this paticular day I had been experiencing considerable pain in my feet. Even the feeling of socks or shoes touching them was painful, including when I was lying down. But the waves were calling me and I went in the ocean, which is one of my very favorite things in the world to do. I love to ride the waves, but in years past I never really gave a thought to what my feet were doing while catching the waves. This day I found out. There is a lot of jumping going on, with feet pounding on the sand over and over. I still couldn't resist the exhilaration of riding high on the waves as I caught each one. I felt joyous. But my foot pain was the worst it had ever been. It struck me that I was feeling both joy and intense pain at the same time. I was reminded that that is exactly what God's Word tells us about our life here. There will be pain in this world, both physical and emotional, but I can find my joy in Him. The joy of having a relationship with God can be in the forefront of my life and overshadow the pain.
However, as I pondered this thought, I considered the possibility that my physical pain may never go away. I was having difficulty accepting this, even in light of my revelation about God's joy. I was discouraged. I wanted my pain to end. I wasn't sure whether or not my faith was strong enough to endure. But God is good. He knows our limitations.. He knows our personalities, our weaknesses. He has an individual plan for each of His children. In the two years since this ocean experience, He has gently led me step by step towards a better understanding and faith that endures. He has done this through additional life experiences, through hearing and answering my prayers, through relationships, the scriptures, the faith stories of other Christians, and many other ways that are likely too complex for me to understand. I also better understood that this was the work of the Holy Spirit as my counselor, to help me recognize and comprehend God's messages to me. I now can truly say riding the waves of joy in the Lord is becoming more often my primary experience, despite the pain underneath.
So why did it take so long for me to make this degree of progress? I have been a Christian for a very long time. Why couldn't I access the joy sooner? I believe that God has been teaching and training me all along, allowing me to build upon my knowlege of Him over the years. My heart knowlege just had to catch up with my head knowlege. I did have times of joy as I gained information about him in the scriptures. But when I prayed with sincerity to also have a relationship where we could relate to one another in a familiar way, that's when things happened. I thought about what it is like when two people love each other. They want to know everything about each other. They want to spend time together. They want to share their thoughts and desires. They feel safe and accepted by each other. That's the way I wanted it to be with God, and that's what He has given me.
On this paticular day I had been experiencing considerable pain in my feet. Even the feeling of socks or shoes touching them was painful, including when I was lying down. But the waves were calling me and I went in the ocean, which is one of my very favorite things in the world to do. I love to ride the waves, but in years past I never really gave a thought to what my feet were doing while catching the waves. This day I found out. There is a lot of jumping going on, with feet pounding on the sand over and over. I still couldn't resist the exhilaration of riding high on the waves as I caught each one. I felt joyous. But my foot pain was the worst it had ever been. It struck me that I was feeling both joy and intense pain at the same time. I was reminded that that is exactly what God's Word tells us about our life here. There will be pain in this world, both physical and emotional, but I can find my joy in Him. The joy of having a relationship with God can be in the forefront of my life and overshadow the pain.
However, as I pondered this thought, I considered the possibility that my physical pain may never go away. I was having difficulty accepting this, even in light of my revelation about God's joy. I was discouraged. I wanted my pain to end. I wasn't sure whether or not my faith was strong enough to endure. But God is good. He knows our limitations.. He knows our personalities, our weaknesses. He has an individual plan for each of His children. In the two years since this ocean experience, He has gently led me step by step towards a better understanding and faith that endures. He has done this through additional life experiences, through hearing and answering my prayers, through relationships, the scriptures, the faith stories of other Christians, and many other ways that are likely too complex for me to understand. I also better understood that this was the work of the Holy Spirit as my counselor, to help me recognize and comprehend God's messages to me. I now can truly say riding the waves of joy in the Lord is becoming more often my primary experience, despite the pain underneath.
So why did it take so long for me to make this degree of progress? I have been a Christian for a very long time. Why couldn't I access the joy sooner? I believe that God has been teaching and training me all along, allowing me to build upon my knowlege of Him over the years. My heart knowlege just had to catch up with my head knowlege. I did have times of joy as I gained information about him in the scriptures. But when I prayed with sincerity to also have a relationship where we could relate to one another in a familiar way, that's when things happened. I thought about what it is like when two people love each other. They want to know everything about each other. They want to spend time together. They want to share their thoughts and desires. They feel safe and accepted by each other. That's the way I wanted it to be with God, and that's what He has given me.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Prayer
If you looked at my daily activities since my Lyme disease became worse, it would appear that my world was getting smaller and smaller. In fact, that was what I was believing until my discovery of treasures. If someone looked at my activities, what they would see is a large part of my day resting in my home. Some of my day would be occupied by light housekeeping. Three days a week I go to water therapy in a warm water pool. When I'm able, I go to bible study and church. In nice weather I can putter in the yard for a short time. I can still do things like go to lunch with a friend, but I need to make sure I curtail all activities the day before and a couple of days after.
As a result of being home more, I had a lot of quiet time, especially in the mornings. I started using this time to start a prayer journal I would always be frustrated by my attempts keep my mind from wandering during prayer, or my inability to find the right words. In writing my prayers to God, I found that the words came more easily. And I wrote them in my own way, as if I were having a conversation. What happened next was astounding. By going back to read earlier entries, I began to see a pattern. Every prayer is getting answered. By seeing in print what I had talked to God about, and then finding experiences I wrote about later, I saw that He heard and replied. I began to trust that anything I came to Him about was defintitely heard. I knew this before, but now by recording it, I was recognizing it more clearly. Now I automatically go FIRST to God with any question about life, any anxiety, any thanks, any request instead of fretting or wondering or going to a person first for advice. And I have the full expectation that I will get an answer if I am patient. Sometimes it takes a while.
The other thing I was beginning to appreciate is that we all have our unique way of learning, and God reaches us through many different avenues. I learn a lot through nature, but also through books. I began to learn about God's nature and understand the His bible message to us through reading books by trusted authors. There are a variety, written by Christian counselors, theologians, and regular people who share their discoveries about God in their own lives. They pass on what they have learned and I have a voracious appetite for learning through their experiences. I especially like when they back up what they say with scripture references. It makes the bible come alive to me. God does use his children to help each other grow and to encourage one another. That is what I hope to do by sharing my own story.
So, in essence, what I have found is that my world isn't getting smaller. There is so much yet for me to discover about our God and His purpose for me. It feels like a vast world in front of me.
As a result of being home more, I had a lot of quiet time, especially in the mornings. I started using this time to start a prayer journal I would always be frustrated by my attempts keep my mind from wandering during prayer, or my inability to find the right words. In writing my prayers to God, I found that the words came more easily. And I wrote them in my own way, as if I were having a conversation. What happened next was astounding. By going back to read earlier entries, I began to see a pattern. Every prayer is getting answered. By seeing in print what I had talked to God about, and then finding experiences I wrote about later, I saw that He heard and replied. I began to trust that anything I came to Him about was defintitely heard. I knew this before, but now by recording it, I was recognizing it more clearly. Now I automatically go FIRST to God with any question about life, any anxiety, any thanks, any request instead of fretting or wondering or going to a person first for advice. And I have the full expectation that I will get an answer if I am patient. Sometimes it takes a while.
The other thing I was beginning to appreciate is that we all have our unique way of learning, and God reaches us through many different avenues. I learn a lot through nature, but also through books. I began to learn about God's nature and understand the His bible message to us through reading books by trusted authors. There are a variety, written by Christian counselors, theologians, and regular people who share their discoveries about God in their own lives. They pass on what they have learned and I have a voracious appetite for learning through their experiences. I especially like when they back up what they say with scripture references. It makes the bible come alive to me. God does use his children to help each other grow and to encourage one another. That is what I hope to do by sharing my own story.
So, in essence, what I have found is that my world isn't getting smaller. There is so much yet for me to discover about our God and His purpose for me. It feels like a vast world in front of me.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Hope
Prior to the turn of events that disabled my feet to the point of changing my life, the Lord blessed me with a gift. It was in the form of a little "vacation house" that we affectionately call the "Villa". That's an amusing name since it is anything but a villa! It's a mobile home nestled in the woods in Whiting, NJ next to a small lake. It's about 40 years old and still has the original harvest gold and avocado green color appliances and fixtures, and brown panelled walls. It's a real throwback to my teen years in the early 70's. All it needed was a few coats of paint and some cozy furniture to make it my little "sanctuary". Since I was no longer able to comfortably go on family vacations, it provided a way for Tim and I to get away occasionally. I also used it frequently on my own as a place of rest and restoration. It is 25 minutes from the ocean which is enormously uplifting to me. It is amazing to me how this little place came to be a means by which God encouraged me and helped me to know Him better.
Very soon after purchasing the Villa was when I became limited in my walking and standing. However, because of the sandy soil and thick carpet of pine needles, at that time I was able to walk in the woods (heavily armed against ticks with my special "tick suit" that rivaled any hazmat suit) for about 10 minutes. One particular day I was despairing more than usual over my many losses. It seemed like every avenue I took to adjust to my changing health met with difficulty. I was thinking about this while walking in those woods when I realized that a tree had fallen across the path. I thought, "Well, that figures, now there's another thing I can't do". I turned around and went back to the house. For a few weeks I ended my walks at this tree. Then one time it occured to me that maybe I could form a new path around the tree. When I did, I discovered a tiny wildflower growing there. I get excited about flowers. This flower was tiny, but an exquisitely and intricately formed treasure. There was so much beauty in such a little thing. And I was able to continue on my new path. I realized then that I had recently been forming a pattern in my life of giving up when faced with obstacles.
What amazes me is how God met me exactly where I was in my pain. He taught me that day that my life was going to have obstacles. Some of them will be big. But He has a plan that He made specifically for me. The paths may be different than they used to be. But there are going to be many treasures along the way if I'm willing to look for them. He taught me about hope. When I read about hope in the bible, I am very grateful for the hope that Jesus gave us in His sacrifice on the cross. But now I was learning something else. I have the hope of seeing God's touch on my life each and every day here on earth. He met me exactly where I was. He knew I needed a very basic lesson on the fact that He is available to me on a daily basis. I changed. Instead of waking up each day concerned about the degree of discomfort I would experience, I woke up excited about how God would reveal Himself. I always believed our God was a personal God, but now I was aware enough to experience it. There are some days when I feel so sick I don't know how I will get through the day. But even then there is always a treasure. Perhaps it is a loving act by my family, or a sunny sky, or discovering a new bird in my yard. Tiny things, but exquisite in their beauty.
Very soon after purchasing the Villa was when I became limited in my walking and standing. However, because of the sandy soil and thick carpet of pine needles, at that time I was able to walk in the woods (heavily armed against ticks with my special "tick suit" that rivaled any hazmat suit) for about 10 minutes. One particular day I was despairing more than usual over my many losses. It seemed like every avenue I took to adjust to my changing health met with difficulty. I was thinking about this while walking in those woods when I realized that a tree had fallen across the path. I thought, "Well, that figures, now there's another thing I can't do". I turned around and went back to the house. For a few weeks I ended my walks at this tree. Then one time it occured to me that maybe I could form a new path around the tree. When I did, I discovered a tiny wildflower growing there. I get excited about flowers. This flower was tiny, but an exquisitely and intricately formed treasure. There was so much beauty in such a little thing. And I was able to continue on my new path. I realized then that I had recently been forming a pattern in my life of giving up when faced with obstacles.
What amazes me is how God met me exactly where I was in my pain. He taught me that day that my life was going to have obstacles. Some of them will be big. But He has a plan that He made specifically for me. The paths may be different than they used to be. But there are going to be many treasures along the way if I'm willing to look for them. He taught me about hope. When I read about hope in the bible, I am very grateful for the hope that Jesus gave us in His sacrifice on the cross. But now I was learning something else. I have the hope of seeing God's touch on my life each and every day here on earth. He met me exactly where I was. He knew I needed a very basic lesson on the fact that He is available to me on a daily basis. I changed. Instead of waking up each day concerned about the degree of discomfort I would experience, I woke up excited about how God would reveal Himself. I always believed our God was a personal God, but now I was aware enough to experience it. There are some days when I feel so sick I don't know how I will get through the day. But even then there is always a treasure. Perhaps it is a loving act by my family, or a sunny sky, or discovering a new bird in my yard. Tiny things, but exquisite in their beauty.
Monday, April 2, 2012
Shame and Grace
I believe that God's first order of business was to bring into sharp focus the fact that my feelings of shame and disappointment in myself needed to be corrected. God is not ashamed of me. He made me exactly the way He wanted me to be. He gave me this body, my personality, and unique gifts. He likes what He made. I am His handiwork. Why, then do I insist on being critical of His creatiion? We all have experiences in life that take a toll on our emotions and our perception of ourselves. As long as we live in a world where there are other people, we will be hurt by people. Much of this happens in our young lives, where we form our self image. For example, I can specifically think of my kindergarten and first grade teachers and how they were harshly critical of me. Those experiences are burned into my memory and to this day I can still feel the shame I felt at 5 and 6 years old. I then carried the belief that I wasn't good enough into my adulthood.
As a Christian, I have the assurance that in spite of all my mistakes, I am accepted by God. Nothing can separate me from Him now. That is grace, and also forgiveness. So why was I having so much trouble accepting myself? The Creator of the universe sent His Son to wipe the slate clean for me and see me as beautiful, but I couldn't see myself that way! Finally, though, the idea was sinking in and I realized what I was doing. I began to realize that my ability to perform certain tasks or help people in certain ways did not define my worth. I began entertaining the idea that perhaps this crazy illness that I have could possibly be the avenue by which I could bless others and grow spiritually. Just allowing my mind to open up to that possibility, and to eagerly await what God might have in store for me, began a journey of discovery that I will continue to share.
As a Christian, I have the assurance that in spite of all my mistakes, I am accepted by God. Nothing can separate me from Him now. That is grace, and also forgiveness. So why was I having so much trouble accepting myself? The Creator of the universe sent His Son to wipe the slate clean for me and see me as beautiful, but I couldn't see myself that way! Finally, though, the idea was sinking in and I realized what I was doing. I began to realize that my ability to perform certain tasks or help people in certain ways did not define my worth. I began entertaining the idea that perhaps this crazy illness that I have could possibly be the avenue by which I could bless others and grow spiritually. Just allowing my mind to open up to that possibility, and to eagerly await what God might have in store for me, began a journey of discovery that I will continue to share.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
My Story part II
With the new exacerbation of symptoms, it became apparent to me that my life was going to change significantly. This awareness triggered a time of depression and despair over my situation. Nothing seemed to make sense. Why would God want me to have a condition that prevented me from doing the very things He desires us to do? I could not make it to church most Sundays. I was too sick by the end of each day to participate in bible studies. I was too weak to offer hospitality. I had to stop teaching Sunday school. I used to like to help others by babysitting, making a meal, etc, but now could barely care for my own family (I am very grateful that I have a very understanding family). I was not able to even keep in touch with friends by phone since my facial nerves arre so sensitive that the sound of a voice over the phone (even on speaker) is painful and triggers migraines.
I had an interesting response to these facts. I became very disappointed in myself. I actually felt shame that I could not push beyond these symptoms and do the activities that I felt defined a good and valuable person. I realized that by myself I could not continue this way. I reached out to God in desperation. He responded by reaching back. That day I began to heal, although not physically. There were many more important issues at hand. I will continue in my blog entries to report the many revelations that followed, and the amazing way that I am being healed.
I had an interesting response to these facts. I became very disappointed in myself. I actually felt shame that I could not push beyond these symptoms and do the activities that I felt defined a good and valuable person. I realized that by myself I could not continue this way. I reached out to God in desperation. He responded by reaching back. That day I began to heal, although not physically. There were many more important issues at hand. I will continue in my blog entries to report the many revelations that followed, and the amazing way that I am being healed.
Monday, March 26, 2012
My Story
I believe that the Lord uses every circumstance in our lives for our good. I would like to share the ways in which I have been able to experience God's love through chronic illness and the challenges it presents.
Twenty three years ago we moved to Warren county from Nutley, a far less rural area. I was delighted with our new 2 acre property and promptly began spending more time outdoors in the fields. Little did I know that that activity would cause me to contract Lyme disease. I soon began feeling the the pain and fatigue associated with the disease, but was diagnosed with fibromyalgia instead. It wasn't until a couple of years later that I was diagnosed with Lyme, and by that time it had reached a chronic state, difficult to eradicate. It was kept in check with antibiotics for 2 years. I had believed that the fibromyalgia and Lyme were separate entities and that it was safe to stop the antibiotics.
For many years after that, Tim and I raised our children, Patrick, Michael and Shannon. I went to nursing school and then worked as a maternity nurse. During this time, I continued to experience pain and unbelieveable fatigue. Many times I was reduced to tears over the extreme effort it took to accomplish these things. But God blessed me with a wonderful family. My mom and dad were alive then and were always ready to assist. Tim was and is still very patient with my limitations. I have dear friends that were compassionate and loving.
Then the symptoms became so severe, it became necessary to end the career that I loved and worked so hard to obtain. I was passionate about my experiences of delivering babies It had become so physically painful, and my fatigue was affecting my ability to think clearly so much that I could not do it anymore.
Three years ago my symptoms again took a turn for the worse. I was not prepared for the degree of disability I would endure. The fatigue I experienced was extremely debilitating. On my worst days I could tolerate only about an hour a day off the couch, and that had to be divided into 15 minute periods. On good days I had about 2 hours. The thing about this fatigue, though, is that it is dangerous to push beyond my limit even one time. If I do, I become sicker for days, weeks, or even months.
Even more debilitating, however, is the extreme pain in my feet and neck due to the fact that Lyme disease has invaded my nervous system. The nerves are painful in my whole body, but the feet and neck are the worst. I have difficulty holding up my head and have migraines up to 3 or 4 times a week. My feet feel like I have bruises all over them, and when I walk it feels like there are several sharp stones in my shoes. I can only stand for about 20 seconds, and walk for maybe 30 seconds before the pain is too difficult to endure. If I let the pain get too high, my brain does not shut off the pain signal when I finally sit. It may linger for months or become permanent. For this reason I can only go places where I will be sitting. This means rarely do I go to stores or to places where getting from the car to the destination requires more than 30 seconds of walking.
My reason for including this history is to give a better picture of the backdrop with which the Lord blessed me with a new awareness of His goodness and grace. I will continue with more details in laer blogs.
Twenty three years ago we moved to Warren county from Nutley, a far less rural area. I was delighted with our new 2 acre property and promptly began spending more time outdoors in the fields. Little did I know that that activity would cause me to contract Lyme disease. I soon began feeling the the pain and fatigue associated with the disease, but was diagnosed with fibromyalgia instead. It wasn't until a couple of years later that I was diagnosed with Lyme, and by that time it had reached a chronic state, difficult to eradicate. It was kept in check with antibiotics for 2 years. I had believed that the fibromyalgia and Lyme were separate entities and that it was safe to stop the antibiotics.
For many years after that, Tim and I raised our children, Patrick, Michael and Shannon. I went to nursing school and then worked as a maternity nurse. During this time, I continued to experience pain and unbelieveable fatigue. Many times I was reduced to tears over the extreme effort it took to accomplish these things. But God blessed me with a wonderful family. My mom and dad were alive then and were always ready to assist. Tim was and is still very patient with my limitations. I have dear friends that were compassionate and loving.
Then the symptoms became so severe, it became necessary to end the career that I loved and worked so hard to obtain. I was passionate about my experiences of delivering babies It had become so physically painful, and my fatigue was affecting my ability to think clearly so much that I could not do it anymore.
Three years ago my symptoms again took a turn for the worse. I was not prepared for the degree of disability I would endure. The fatigue I experienced was extremely debilitating. On my worst days I could tolerate only about an hour a day off the couch, and that had to be divided into 15 minute periods. On good days I had about 2 hours. The thing about this fatigue, though, is that it is dangerous to push beyond my limit even one time. If I do, I become sicker for days, weeks, or even months.
Even more debilitating, however, is the extreme pain in my feet and neck due to the fact that Lyme disease has invaded my nervous system. The nerves are painful in my whole body, but the feet and neck are the worst. I have difficulty holding up my head and have migraines up to 3 or 4 times a week. My feet feel like I have bruises all over them, and when I walk it feels like there are several sharp stones in my shoes. I can only stand for about 20 seconds, and walk for maybe 30 seconds before the pain is too difficult to endure. If I let the pain get too high, my brain does not shut off the pain signal when I finally sit. It may linger for months or become permanent. For this reason I can only go places where I will be sitting. This means rarely do I go to stores or to places where getting from the car to the destination requires more than 30 seconds of walking.
My reason for including this history is to give a better picture of the backdrop with which the Lord blessed me with a new awareness of His goodness and grace. I will continue with more details in laer blogs.
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