It seems that so often I begin my posts with a statement about how I haven't written in a while because I'm not feeling well enough. This one is no exception. These past few weeks have been among the most challenging of my life so far. Tim's healing was extremely slow. The degree of weakness he experienced due to the infection was profound. Caring for him was an extreme challenge to my own weakened body. Pushing myself to keep going every day caused my immune system to weaken, which resulted in a strong flareup of my Lyme symptoms. The feelings of weakness, pain, and exhaustion are overwhelming at times. My daily life right now is quite restricted, needing to rest in bed at least 7 hours a day. If I try to push, I get sicker. So, typing on the computer has been difficult. On a good day I need to lay down on my back with the laptop propped up on pillows on my legs in order to type with minimal pain. I complain about my foot pain so much that I don't often mention the significant pain in my head, neck and shoulders that is always there every day. Yet, I have to say that there was a sweetness about caring for my husband, and for him to receive the care. A bond that began almost 40 years ago was further strengthened by the experience. I am happy to say that at present, he is doing well. He had his PICC line removed. No more walking around with an IV bag! Thank you all for your prayers. He still tires easily, and walking is uncomfortable, but he is so much better. he will not be out of the woods for several months, however. He still takes oral antibiotics. The doctors have said that the infection can come back and the knee joint may have to be replaced.
There were many times throughout this ordeal that I felt that the weight of it was too much to bear. I am going to be absolutely honest here. Even with my ever growing faith, I still had bouts of feeling alone and distanced from God. The truths that I knew, such as, that God is always with me, He is our Healer, He is working things together for our good, and for His purposes, He can give us peace...comforted me to a degree, but I was still miserable. I think sometimes we make the mistake of thinking that by saying these truths, we should automatically get lifted out of our trial. We think that the current situation should be removed. Don't get me wrong, the Lord can and does do that in many cases. But for many, the trial is necessary as He molds us into the image of Christ. I found that rather than looking to find the peace and presence of God by having my situation changed, or my mood to lift, I had to open my eyes to other areas of my life and my heart to see where God was at work. I found that there were wonderful gifts awaiting me. For instance, I suddenly had the ability to read scripture in a different way. Because of my deepening relationship with the Lord, I started reading scripture from the point of view of a message from someone I knew well. Previously, I had been reading it kind of the same way I would be reading an encyclopedia. To gain knowlege. To find out the facts. To find out the truths about our Lord. Of course all of that is absolutely necessary, but it wasn't enough. I also often felt like it was a book of rules that I just could never seem to get right. Many times I didn't trust myself to read and interpret on my own. I thought I needed someone else more knowlegable to make sure I was getting it right. Now, instead, I am able to go with confidence and familiarity to the Scriptures and hear what is being said to me personally. I was reading it as if the Lord were smiling at me as He gently explained to me His plan for us. I now know Him not only as my creator, but as my friend. If my friend writes me a letter, I'm really interested in what they want to say to me. I really want to know what is on their heart. I read it with a sense of familiarity and confidence in the relationship we have. Going to the Bible from that mindset opened up a new level of intimacy. Suddenly the words and concepts made more sense. I was more easily able to apply the truths to what was happening in my own life. It became a book I couldn't put down. I enjoyed it and wanted to know more. I didn't feel like I was just reading out of a sense of duty. This new experience was the precious gift that God gave me at the same time I was going through the rough trial. The trial was still going on, and was painful, but something more beautiful was being given to me. This gift acted as my strength, my "fuel" to press on. This particular trial is ending, but the gift given to me during it, will last my lifetime.
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