Well, the lidcaine treatment didn't work! The first treatment resulted in no change whatsoever, and the second one put me in the emergency room! The lidocaine is given intravenously over a period of one hour in the doctor's office. You are hooked up to a heart monitor because it also is used as a heart medication to treat arrhythmias. They have to be aware of any cardiac changes. The first time, all the medication did was make me sleepy. The second time, I very quickly started to feel drowsy and dizzy. Then I felt pain in my chest, and my left arm and neck. At first I ignored it because I am used to feeling random pains everywhere. But then it increased in intensity and my heart raced. I told them to stop the infusion. They sent me to the ER, where I spent the afternoon. Tests revealed no heart attack. It remains a mystery as to why I felt those symptoms. I'm just happy that I had my husband with me at the doctor's. I needed to have him close by.
So it appears that no pain relief will be coming just yet. I am disappointed of course, but not devastated. I just wanted so much to look forward to enjoying my daughter's wedding in May. I actually am very worried that I won't be able to make it through the day. I get very ill just going to someone else's wedding, and that's just going to the reception. How will I get through the preparations, picture taking, ceremony, guest greeting, reception, etc. when my limit for being out of bed is only one to two hours? It's just too physically demanding. I have to let go and trust.
All of this makes me think a lot about heaven. It may be that my healing will not occur until then. Heaven is becoming more real to me. Previously, I couldn't really get a grasp on it's reality. It was more of an idea than fact. My brain just could not grasp it. I know from Scripture that there will be no pain or sorrow. We will experience God personally and be in His presence. There will be joy beyond comprehension. I am understanding now how the things I find a little joy in right now are just little glimspses of what Eternity will be like. I find joy in God's beautiful creation in nature. That is just a tiny indication of the beauty I will experience in Heaven that will take my breath away. I find joy when people love me, and I can love back. In heaven that joy will be multiplied without end when I am in the presence of Love Himself. We are created to treasure relationships in anticipation for the ultimate relationship with our Lord. I crave peace, happiness, freedom, pain relief, a sense of transcendance from the difficulties of earth. These are desires the Lord has given me to remind me that this is not my home. He has created us for life with Him, and that is what our souls long for. It is a reminder that we are here only as sojourners. Our real life is yet to come. In the meantime He continues to give me glimspses of Heaven as encouragement that He has a beautiful plan for my eternal life.
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Saturday, December 8, 2012
What Would Happen If I Were Healed?
This coming week, I will be receiving a new treatment for nerve pain. It involves the infusion of IV lidocaine over a period of time. It's not a common treatment, and from what they tell me, different people get different results, some more successful than others. I decided I really don't have anything to lose, so I'll try it. My pain has been increasing at an alarming rate. I now need a power chair for my house since my stool with wheels is getting too painful to use. I do still walk occasionally outside my home for a few yards, if it's on grass. Apart from a slight limp, most people would not even notice I am having difficulty. If I go more than a few yards, however, it becomes obvious. Most of the time, however, I am able to mask the pain. Who would want to be around a person who is always grimacing? More often than not, I just become very quiet.
As I thought about receiving this treatment, I began to wonder what would happen if it worked. How would it feel to be pain free? I tried to remember a time when that was the case. I can't even remember what it was like. I imagine I would feel very light. I would probably have a lot more energy without battling the pain every minute. My life would probably change. What would it be like to leave the house casually, without weighing every move? I would feel so free. I would just appreciate letting the bedsheet touch my feet and just having it feel like a bedsheet, not like the grinding of gravel! I would be able to rest.
I want to make something very clear. God is good. I'm saying that now, before I know the outcome of this new treatment. He's good if He takes away my pain, and He is good if He doesn't. In fact, I consider this whole illness situation to be His gift to me. He removed the things that were distacting me from Him, like a career, freedom of activity, socializing, etc. Instead, He made me aware that He wants a relationship with me. When I had very little left in the way of health and activity, I asked for more of Him, which He is giving me. And there is so much more of Him that He still wants to give.
So, now I am thinking, what will happen if I suddenly became able to do all of those earthly things again? Will I become so busy with them that I will forget my journey with the Lord? I was thinking the other day, if I had a choice between being healed and forgetting about my walk, or staying in pain and growing more, what would I choose? Wow. I wanted to be honest in my answer, so I took a long time to ponder that. I realized that I can't give up my pursuit for intimacy with God. To do that would make my life empty and pointless. It's very, very hard to imagine my life with never ending physical pain. Especially lately. But I remind myself that I will not be alone in it. God will hold my hand through it. He will lead me to places in His heart that I have yet to experience.
As I thought about receiving this treatment, I began to wonder what would happen if it worked. How would it feel to be pain free? I tried to remember a time when that was the case. I can't even remember what it was like. I imagine I would feel very light. I would probably have a lot more energy without battling the pain every minute. My life would probably change. What would it be like to leave the house casually, without weighing every move? I would feel so free. I would just appreciate letting the bedsheet touch my feet and just having it feel like a bedsheet, not like the grinding of gravel! I would be able to rest.
I want to make something very clear. God is good. I'm saying that now, before I know the outcome of this new treatment. He's good if He takes away my pain, and He is good if He doesn't. In fact, I consider this whole illness situation to be His gift to me. He removed the things that were distacting me from Him, like a career, freedom of activity, socializing, etc. Instead, He made me aware that He wants a relationship with me. When I had very little left in the way of health and activity, I asked for more of Him, which He is giving me. And there is so much more of Him that He still wants to give.
So, now I am thinking, what will happen if I suddenly became able to do all of those earthly things again? Will I become so busy with them that I will forget my journey with the Lord? I was thinking the other day, if I had a choice between being healed and forgetting about my walk, or staying in pain and growing more, what would I choose? Wow. I wanted to be honest in my answer, so I took a long time to ponder that. I realized that I can't give up my pursuit for intimacy with God. To do that would make my life empty and pointless. It's very, very hard to imagine my life with never ending physical pain. Especially lately. But I remind myself that I will not be alone in it. God will hold my hand through it. He will lead me to places in His heart that I have yet to experience.
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