There was another new awareness that came as a result of an experience with nature. It was a lesson in how to handle discouragement. This particular lesson occured while I was at the beach. Being near the ocean has always made me feel rejuvunated. The salt air, the sand, the sound of the waves and sea birds have a healing effect. The seemingly boundless expanse of the ocean and crash of the waves reminds me of God's vast presence and power.
On this paticular day I had been experiencing considerable pain in my feet. Even the feeling of socks or shoes touching them was painful, including when I was lying down. But the waves were calling me and I went in the ocean, which is one of my very favorite things in the world to do. I love to ride the waves, but in years past I never really gave a thought to what my feet were doing while catching the waves. This day I found out. There is a lot of jumping going on, with feet pounding on the sand over and over. I still couldn't resist the exhilaration of riding high on the waves as I caught each one. I felt joyous. But my foot pain was the worst it had ever been. It struck me that I was feeling both joy and intense pain at the same time. I was reminded that that is exactly what God's Word tells us about our life here. There will be pain in this world, both physical and emotional, but I can find my joy in Him. The joy of having a relationship with God can be in the forefront of my life and overshadow the pain.
However, as I pondered this thought, I considered the possibility that my physical pain may never go away. I was having difficulty accepting this, even in light of my revelation about God's joy. I was discouraged. I wanted my pain to end. I wasn't sure whether or not my faith was strong enough to endure. But God is good. He knows our limitations.. He knows our personalities, our weaknesses. He has an individual plan for each of His children. In the two years since this ocean experience, He has gently led me step by step towards a better understanding and faith that endures. He has done this through additional life experiences, through hearing and answering my prayers, through relationships, the scriptures, the faith stories of other Christians, and many other ways that are likely too complex for me to understand. I also better understood that this was the work of the Holy Spirit as my counselor, to help me recognize and comprehend God's messages to me. I now can truly say riding the waves of joy in the Lord is becoming more often my primary experience, despite the pain underneath.
So why did it take so long for me to make this degree of progress? I have been a Christian for a very long time. Why couldn't I access the joy sooner? I believe that God has been teaching and training me all along, allowing me to build upon my knowlege of Him over the years. My heart knowlege just had to catch up with my head knowlege. I did have times of joy as I gained information about him in the scriptures. But when I prayed with sincerity to also have a relationship where we could relate to one another in a familiar way, that's when things happened. I thought about what it is like when two people love each other. They want to know everything about each other. They want to spend time together. They want to share their thoughts and desires. They feel safe and accepted by each other. That's the way I wanted it to be with God, and that's what He has given me.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Prayer
If you looked at my daily activities since my Lyme disease became worse, it would appear that my world was getting smaller and smaller. In fact, that was what I was believing until my discovery of treasures. If someone looked at my activities, what they would see is a large part of my day resting in my home. Some of my day would be occupied by light housekeeping. Three days a week I go to water therapy in a warm water pool. When I'm able, I go to bible study and church. In nice weather I can putter in the yard for a short time. I can still do things like go to lunch with a friend, but I need to make sure I curtail all activities the day before and a couple of days after.
As a result of being home more, I had a lot of quiet time, especially in the mornings. I started using this time to start a prayer journal I would always be frustrated by my attempts keep my mind from wandering during prayer, or my inability to find the right words. In writing my prayers to God, I found that the words came more easily. And I wrote them in my own way, as if I were having a conversation. What happened next was astounding. By going back to read earlier entries, I began to see a pattern. Every prayer is getting answered. By seeing in print what I had talked to God about, and then finding experiences I wrote about later, I saw that He heard and replied. I began to trust that anything I came to Him about was defintitely heard. I knew this before, but now by recording it, I was recognizing it more clearly. Now I automatically go FIRST to God with any question about life, any anxiety, any thanks, any request instead of fretting or wondering or going to a person first for advice. And I have the full expectation that I will get an answer if I am patient. Sometimes it takes a while.
The other thing I was beginning to appreciate is that we all have our unique way of learning, and God reaches us through many different avenues. I learn a lot through nature, but also through books. I began to learn about God's nature and understand the His bible message to us through reading books by trusted authors. There are a variety, written by Christian counselors, theologians, and regular people who share their discoveries about God in their own lives. They pass on what they have learned and I have a voracious appetite for learning through their experiences. I especially like when they back up what they say with scripture references. It makes the bible come alive to me. God does use his children to help each other grow and to encourage one another. That is what I hope to do by sharing my own story.
So, in essence, what I have found is that my world isn't getting smaller. There is so much yet for me to discover about our God and His purpose for me. It feels like a vast world in front of me.
As a result of being home more, I had a lot of quiet time, especially in the mornings. I started using this time to start a prayer journal I would always be frustrated by my attempts keep my mind from wandering during prayer, or my inability to find the right words. In writing my prayers to God, I found that the words came more easily. And I wrote them in my own way, as if I were having a conversation. What happened next was astounding. By going back to read earlier entries, I began to see a pattern. Every prayer is getting answered. By seeing in print what I had talked to God about, and then finding experiences I wrote about later, I saw that He heard and replied. I began to trust that anything I came to Him about was defintitely heard. I knew this before, but now by recording it, I was recognizing it more clearly. Now I automatically go FIRST to God with any question about life, any anxiety, any thanks, any request instead of fretting or wondering or going to a person first for advice. And I have the full expectation that I will get an answer if I am patient. Sometimes it takes a while.
The other thing I was beginning to appreciate is that we all have our unique way of learning, and God reaches us through many different avenues. I learn a lot through nature, but also through books. I began to learn about God's nature and understand the His bible message to us through reading books by trusted authors. There are a variety, written by Christian counselors, theologians, and regular people who share their discoveries about God in their own lives. They pass on what they have learned and I have a voracious appetite for learning through their experiences. I especially like when they back up what they say with scripture references. It makes the bible come alive to me. God does use his children to help each other grow and to encourage one another. That is what I hope to do by sharing my own story.
So, in essence, what I have found is that my world isn't getting smaller. There is so much yet for me to discover about our God and His purpose for me. It feels like a vast world in front of me.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Hope
Prior to the turn of events that disabled my feet to the point of changing my life, the Lord blessed me with a gift. It was in the form of a little "vacation house" that we affectionately call the "Villa". That's an amusing name since it is anything but a villa! It's a mobile home nestled in the woods in Whiting, NJ next to a small lake. It's about 40 years old and still has the original harvest gold and avocado green color appliances and fixtures, and brown panelled walls. It's a real throwback to my teen years in the early 70's. All it needed was a few coats of paint and some cozy furniture to make it my little "sanctuary". Since I was no longer able to comfortably go on family vacations, it provided a way for Tim and I to get away occasionally. I also used it frequently on my own as a place of rest and restoration. It is 25 minutes from the ocean which is enormously uplifting to me. It is amazing to me how this little place came to be a means by which God encouraged me and helped me to know Him better.
Very soon after purchasing the Villa was when I became limited in my walking and standing. However, because of the sandy soil and thick carpet of pine needles, at that time I was able to walk in the woods (heavily armed against ticks with my special "tick suit" that rivaled any hazmat suit) for about 10 minutes. One particular day I was despairing more than usual over my many losses. It seemed like every avenue I took to adjust to my changing health met with difficulty. I was thinking about this while walking in those woods when I realized that a tree had fallen across the path. I thought, "Well, that figures, now there's another thing I can't do". I turned around and went back to the house. For a few weeks I ended my walks at this tree. Then one time it occured to me that maybe I could form a new path around the tree. When I did, I discovered a tiny wildflower growing there. I get excited about flowers. This flower was tiny, but an exquisitely and intricately formed treasure. There was so much beauty in such a little thing. And I was able to continue on my new path. I realized then that I had recently been forming a pattern in my life of giving up when faced with obstacles.
What amazes me is how God met me exactly where I was in my pain. He taught me that day that my life was going to have obstacles. Some of them will be big. But He has a plan that He made specifically for me. The paths may be different than they used to be. But there are going to be many treasures along the way if I'm willing to look for them. He taught me about hope. When I read about hope in the bible, I am very grateful for the hope that Jesus gave us in His sacrifice on the cross. But now I was learning something else. I have the hope of seeing God's touch on my life each and every day here on earth. He met me exactly where I was. He knew I needed a very basic lesson on the fact that He is available to me on a daily basis. I changed. Instead of waking up each day concerned about the degree of discomfort I would experience, I woke up excited about how God would reveal Himself. I always believed our God was a personal God, but now I was aware enough to experience it. There are some days when I feel so sick I don't know how I will get through the day. But even then there is always a treasure. Perhaps it is a loving act by my family, or a sunny sky, or discovering a new bird in my yard. Tiny things, but exquisite in their beauty.
Very soon after purchasing the Villa was when I became limited in my walking and standing. However, because of the sandy soil and thick carpet of pine needles, at that time I was able to walk in the woods (heavily armed against ticks with my special "tick suit" that rivaled any hazmat suit) for about 10 minutes. One particular day I was despairing more than usual over my many losses. It seemed like every avenue I took to adjust to my changing health met with difficulty. I was thinking about this while walking in those woods when I realized that a tree had fallen across the path. I thought, "Well, that figures, now there's another thing I can't do". I turned around and went back to the house. For a few weeks I ended my walks at this tree. Then one time it occured to me that maybe I could form a new path around the tree. When I did, I discovered a tiny wildflower growing there. I get excited about flowers. This flower was tiny, but an exquisitely and intricately formed treasure. There was so much beauty in such a little thing. And I was able to continue on my new path. I realized then that I had recently been forming a pattern in my life of giving up when faced with obstacles.
What amazes me is how God met me exactly where I was in my pain. He taught me that day that my life was going to have obstacles. Some of them will be big. But He has a plan that He made specifically for me. The paths may be different than they used to be. But there are going to be many treasures along the way if I'm willing to look for them. He taught me about hope. When I read about hope in the bible, I am very grateful for the hope that Jesus gave us in His sacrifice on the cross. But now I was learning something else. I have the hope of seeing God's touch on my life each and every day here on earth. He met me exactly where I was. He knew I needed a very basic lesson on the fact that He is available to me on a daily basis. I changed. Instead of waking up each day concerned about the degree of discomfort I would experience, I woke up excited about how God would reveal Himself. I always believed our God was a personal God, but now I was aware enough to experience it. There are some days when I feel so sick I don't know how I will get through the day. But even then there is always a treasure. Perhaps it is a loving act by my family, or a sunny sky, or discovering a new bird in my yard. Tiny things, but exquisite in their beauty.
Monday, April 2, 2012
Shame and Grace
I believe that God's first order of business was to bring into sharp focus the fact that my feelings of shame and disappointment in myself needed to be corrected. God is not ashamed of me. He made me exactly the way He wanted me to be. He gave me this body, my personality, and unique gifts. He likes what He made. I am His handiwork. Why, then do I insist on being critical of His creatiion? We all have experiences in life that take a toll on our emotions and our perception of ourselves. As long as we live in a world where there are other people, we will be hurt by people. Much of this happens in our young lives, where we form our self image. For example, I can specifically think of my kindergarten and first grade teachers and how they were harshly critical of me. Those experiences are burned into my memory and to this day I can still feel the shame I felt at 5 and 6 years old. I then carried the belief that I wasn't good enough into my adulthood.
As a Christian, I have the assurance that in spite of all my mistakes, I am accepted by God. Nothing can separate me from Him now. That is grace, and also forgiveness. So why was I having so much trouble accepting myself? The Creator of the universe sent His Son to wipe the slate clean for me and see me as beautiful, but I couldn't see myself that way! Finally, though, the idea was sinking in and I realized what I was doing. I began to realize that my ability to perform certain tasks or help people in certain ways did not define my worth. I began entertaining the idea that perhaps this crazy illness that I have could possibly be the avenue by which I could bless others and grow spiritually. Just allowing my mind to open up to that possibility, and to eagerly await what God might have in store for me, began a journey of discovery that I will continue to share.
As a Christian, I have the assurance that in spite of all my mistakes, I am accepted by God. Nothing can separate me from Him now. That is grace, and also forgiveness. So why was I having so much trouble accepting myself? The Creator of the universe sent His Son to wipe the slate clean for me and see me as beautiful, but I couldn't see myself that way! Finally, though, the idea was sinking in and I realized what I was doing. I began to realize that my ability to perform certain tasks or help people in certain ways did not define my worth. I began entertaining the idea that perhaps this crazy illness that I have could possibly be the avenue by which I could bless others and grow spiritually. Just allowing my mind to open up to that possibility, and to eagerly await what God might have in store for me, began a journey of discovery that I will continue to share.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)