Shame and Grace

I believe that God's first order of business was to bring into sharp focus the fact that my feelings of shame and disappointment in myself needed to be corrected.  God is not ashamed of me.  He made me exactly the way He wanted me to be.  He gave me this body, my personality, and unique gifts.  He likes what He made. I am His handiwork.  Why, then do I insist on being critical of His creatiion?  We all have experiences in life that take a toll on our emotions and our perception of ourselves.  As long as we live in a world where there are other people, we will be hurt by people.  Much of this happens in our young lives, where we form our self image.  For example,  I can specifically think of my kindergarten and first grade teachers and how they were harshly critical of me.  Those experiences are burned into my memory and to this day I can still feel the shame I felt at 5 and 6 years old.  I then carried the belief that I wasn't good enough into my adulthood.
 
 As a Christian, I  have the assurance that in spite of all my mistakes, I am accepted by God. Nothing can separate me from Him now.  That is grace, and also forgiveness.  So why was I having so much trouble accepting myself?  The Creator of the universe sent His Son to wipe the slate clean for me and see me as beautiful, but I  couldn't see myself that way!  Finally, though, the idea was sinking in and I realized what I was doing.  I began to realize that my ability to perform certain tasks or help people in certain ways did not define my worth.  I began entertaining the idea that perhaps this crazy illness that I have could possibly be the avenue by which I could bless others and grow spiritually. Just allowing my mind to open up to that possibility, and to eagerly await what God might have in store for me, began a journey of discovery that I will continue to share.