I actually started that last post over 2 weeks ago and just added it the other day. So here I am, ready to complete my thoughts. I'm happy to say, my fatigue has improved slightly. It was rough going there for a while. The incessant throbbing pain and burning in my feet is difficult to endure and that alone is very draining. I didn't even have the strength to converse with people I was struggling just to keep my head above water. That phrase has paricular meaning for me, so I don't use it lightly. A few years ago, I was caught in a rip current in the ocean. FYI, " swimming parallel to the shore" doesn't work if you're not a strong swimmer. The current doesn't just pull you out, it pulls you down. As I was furiously struggling to stay afloat, I knew that there was only one way I was going to get out of there, and my eyes went to the lifeguard stand. He had seen me and stood up as I signaled to him that I was in trouble. Within seconds, he swam out to me and handed me the life preserver, assuring me as he guided me toward shore, that everything was going to be alright, I was safe now. That's how I was feeling these past weeks. This story illustrates some things that were going on spiritually with me. I was working desperately to get through each hour of the day as challenges faced me. I was encouraged by the knowlege that my Lifeguard was always present as I kept my eyes on Him and didn't keep Him far from sight. But I reached the breaking point one night when I just felt like my body came to the end of its own ability to keep going. I cried out to God that I couldn't do it anymore. I was drowning. I needed rescuing and signaled my Rescuer. He was there with His eye on me all the while. He kept me from drowning, assuring me that all was going to be ok, I was safe with Him. I immediately felt peaceful and hopeful. I was going to get through this. I didn't feel hopeless anymore.
This leads me to some other thoughts that have been whirling around in my head. In the past, I have often wondered at the meaning of the verses in Romans about perseverence: "Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverence and perseverence, character, and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." It clearly states that suffering, perseverance, and hope are related. But I couldn't understand how. I perceived perseverance as just gritting my teeth and enduring the suffering. Even when the suffering is not extreme, it feels like many days are so hard. I just push through and resolve to keep going. I remember when we were little and we would make a "whirlpool" in our swimming pool by going around in a circle. Tnen we would change direction and try to go the other way. It was so hard to push against the current. It took a lot of strength and effort. That's how I feel on many days. So how does this build character and hope? How is it not disappointing? I knew the connection had to have something to do with our relationship with God, or it wouldn't have been put in the bible. But I wasn't getting it.
As I have journeyed through this experience with health issues, the Lord through his Holy Spirit has blessed me with clarity and understanding regarding the meaning of perseverance. Alone it does not build character and hope. The perseverance first needed to be appplied to my relationship with Him. Early in my journey I was blessed with the realization that I needed and wanted a more intimate relationship with God. I sought Him first, and made Him the focus of my desires. The perseverence I exercised was in continually holding on to the Lord, and listening to His voice, never letting go of his hand. I found that if the perseverance was directed at exercising my faith, it was automatically accompanied by the ability to persevere through the illness.
This brings me to the next step. How does this all relate to the building of character? Character is defined as the description of a person's attributes, strength, or abilities. I have to think a minute on how these things have been developing or changing in me. It's difficult to know what I reflect on the outside since I can't see myself, so I can only describe what I feel is going on inside me. I know I have developed patience through my experience. My faith has certainly grown. I have a heightened sensitivity to the suffering of others, which has deepened my sense of compassion. I have learned to find joy even in the smallest things.
How does the building of character produce hope? I think what is happening with me is that the character traits I am developing are among the fruit of the Spirit (Gal.5:22-23). How exciting to think I have that fruit developing in me! Continuing to develop these traits I believe paves the way toward a closer relationship with the Lord, and therefore leads to hope. I am learning his ways, and trusting Him. I know he has a plan to work all things for good. I can look forward to a future filled with His love, and an everlasting life with Him in His kingdom. My hope is alive. And that certainly is not disappointing!
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